James and Chrom and the Super Summer
by GravityEmblem
Summary: School's out in an alternate universe, and James and his friends (From FE Awakening) are ready to make the most of every minute! (FE:A x PnF Fusion Fic. Currently On: The Ballad of Badbeard)
1. Introducing-Our Hero

Disclaimer: I don't own Phineas and Ferb. For that matter, I don't own Milo Murphy's Law, either. I also don't own any of the characters from Fire Emblem Awakening (or any FE game) that I might use in this fic. So what do I own? I own the character of James (who, for the record, is a Build 2, Hair 2 Avatar with purple hair) and I own this fan Fiction! Sit back, and enjoy.

It was a beautiful day in Povensburg, and James was sitting languidly underneath a tree in his backyard. He wore a white t-shirt below a black jacket decorated with purple stripes and ornate, and gold-colored eyes. He turned to his pet Drakopus (An extremely rare creature that resembles a turquoise platypus with Draconic features, and a reptilian tail instead of one similar to a beaver) and asked him, "So, Perry, what do you want to do today?" Perry replied with a sound that sounded halfway between a gurgle and a growl. "Quite true," James replied. He really had no idea what his pet was saying. He was primarily guessing.

A boy about James's age with blue hair and grey clothes (technically, they were closer to silver) entered the backyard through a gate in the fence and walked up to his friend.

"Hey," greeted the newcomer, whose name was Chrom.

"Hey." Chrom sat down next to James.

There was silence for a few seconds. Then, James got up and started shouting. "What are we doing!? We're _wasting_ our summer vacation! When school starts and the teachers ask us what we did last summer, which, in the future, is _this_ summer, won't it sound lame if we say 'we just stood around all summer'?!"

"Well, strictly speaking, I'm sitting-"

"When we're on break, life should be one big **rollercoaster** of excitement!" he exclaimed, continuing his rant "A _good_ one, not like that lame one we rode at the county fair last year." Both briefly paused, as if remembering something. "Man, that was underwhelming."

Instantly, inspiration struck. "That's it! I know what we're going to do today: build the biggest, baddest, most _**gut-wrenching rollercoaster in the WORLD!**_ " He began to give Chrom orders. "You tell Nowi and then take her to pick up some supplies. I'll draw up some plans!"

"Yes, sir!" Chrom replied with a salute. He sprinted next door to bring the news to the last member of their trio of friends. Meanwhile, James was rubbing his hands together in excitement. "Yes...this is going to be **epic! AHAHAHAHAHA!** " He started to run in circles (well, ellipses) and proceeded to crash into the tree.

"I'm going to the store," shouted Validar as he entered his car. "So behave yourselves." Validar was a tall, gaunt man with slicked back hair and a goatee. You'd be forgiven for thinking that he was evil, but thankfully, that was not the case. At least, not in this universe.

A teenaged girl with long white hair and dark skin, hearing him, ran into the driveway. She wore a dark grey skirt, a black blouse, and a frantic expression.

"I am in charge, right? You did tell them that I'm in charge?"

"Aversa, no one has to be in charge."

"But what if there's an emergency?"

"Such as?"

"What if...what if a satellite falls out of orbit, and crashes into the house?!"

"...If that happens, you're in charge."

Aversa pumped her fist and then entered her backyard. "Father says I'm in charge! Conditionally." She was confused to see her brother at a desk, with pencils, pens, and a large blue sheet of paper. "What are you doing?"

"Homework!"

"It's summer."

" _You_ try waiting until the last second."

Aversa was not entirely satisfied, but that answer was enough...for now.

"Well, I'm watching you," she declared as she stormed inside the house.

The phone rang, and she answered it, oblivious to the sight of James greeting Chrom and Nowi (a girl with messy light green hair, a green and purple tank top, a short skirt, and a purple cape), who were pulling a large wagon of supplies.

"Hello? Oh, hi, Petrine! I'm afraid I can't come to the mall today, I'm in charge of James and his little friends. You know. Conditionally."

James, Chrom, and Nowi left and came back with a cart of toilets.

"So, I believe that Lyon smiled at me yesterday. Yes, he's the one I told you about, the cute one that works at Slushy Dog. Yes, I know. He's just so...aloof!"

James, Chrom, and Nowi left and returned with a large lion, which let off a mighty roar.

"Will you keep it down! I am trying to use the phone!" Aversa returned to her conversation.

"So Petrine, as I was saying-what's that thing in my backyard? _What do you mean you can see it from your house?!_ " Aversa hurriedly hung up and ran outside. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. It was the start of the biggest rollercoaster she had EVER seen.


	2. Going Down

Disclaimer-I don't own PnF, FE, or MML, for that matter.

Part 2:

At the top of the rollercoaster, Nowi was overviewing her friend's design, while Chrom stood next to her.

"Then after the corkscrew around the interstate, we'll release the snakes! But we need something sticky to hold it all together..." Nowi turned towards Chrom, who wore a terrified expression. "I need you to get some peanut butter, and a blowtorch." He inched away, clearly afraid.

"I don't think I want to ride this rollercoaster."

Meanwhile, at the start of the tracks, Aversa and her brother were having a delightful conversation.

"What are you _doing?!_ "

"Building a rollercoaster. I thought it was obvious."

"Oh, no you aren't! I will get Father, and then you will be so busted! You are going _down!"_ She dashed out of the backyard, passing a young girl with black hair and long eyelashes.

"Hello Aversa, is James...home." she asked as the object of her inquiries rushed off into the distance. She shrugged and entered the backyard and strode up to James.

"Wat'cha doin'?"

"We are building a Rollercoaster."

The girl's eyes lit up. "Ooh, can I help?"

"Nope," James answered curtly.

"Well...can I at least _ride_ it?"

"Probably not."

"Why am I never allowed to participate in your activities?" she spoke, her voice rising.

"Most likely, because we all find you creepy and want nothing to do with you."

The girl growled and stormed into the driveway, before turning around and delivering one final cry.

"You may belittle me now, but someday, I _will_ find a way into your heart! Yes, you will be mine one of these days. _You. Will. Be. Mine._ " She punctuated her minor soliloquy with an unnerving chuckle as she slinked down the fence and returned home.

Everyone paused for a moment as Nowi stood next to the unimpressed James.

"See, this is why we find her creepy," he said, gesturing to Tharja.

"I'll get the peanut butter."

"Hey, where's Perry?"

 _Meanwhile..._

Perry stealthily approached the corner of the Grimaspawn household (there's a long story about that name, but we don't have time for that) and, after making sure that no one was watching, jumped up on his hind legs, placed a fedora on his head, and entered a secret door in the tiling. He fell through a series of tubes and landed in a red chair, facing a huge monitor. The room was adorned with gadgets and gear exactly the right size for a Drakopus. The enormous screen turned on, and Agent P was ready for his mission briefing.

"Morning, Agent P," greeted a bald, muscular man with brown skin and an eyepatch. "Your nemesis, Dr. Riffrat, A.K.A Mad King Gangrel, is at it again. He's built another of his superdevices, or 'Inators'..."

"Sir, why are you telling him this stuff; he already knows it," interrupted a young sounding voice from off the screen.

"Quiet, Ricken. It's been a week! He might have forgotten."

"I think Agent P's memory is better than that..."

Major Basillo grunted. "Anyway, Gangrel has been buying 80% of all the country's tin foil. We don't know what he's up to, but it's up to you to stop it."

Agent P saluted and ran to the other side of the room, where his hover-jet awaited. He flew towards Riffrat Evil Incorporated, the hideout of his archenemy.

 _Meanwhile..._

Aversa sprinted into FoodMart, the local grocery store, and found her father filling the shopping cart with essential items (and a few that weren't so essential...like lemon flavored shampoo. As in, it tasted like lemons).

"Father, you have to come quick!"

"Let me guess: a satellite crashed into the house?" replied Validar, dismissively.

"Yes, very funny," his daughter sarcastically retorted. "James and his friends are building a ROLLERCOASTER!"

"Aversa, last week you told me he was training _monkeys_ to juggle _bycicles_."

"I still don't know he cleaned that up so fast..." she muttered under her breath.

"Honestly, Aversa, isn't James a little young to be a rollercoaster engineer?"

Simultaneously, a foreman was speaking with James, and asking a similar question.

"Aren't you a little young to be a rollercoaster engineer?"

"That is a correct fact!" answered James cheerfully.

"Well, all your permits seem to be in order, though they've never been filled out crayon before, so I guess you're good to go!"

On the other side of the room, Nowi was operating a power loader and having fun doing it.

"Hey, can we borrow a couple of these?" she requested.

"Be my guest."

They completed the rollercoaster in about 25 minutes.

 _Riffrat Evil Incorporated!_

Agent P crashed through the window of Dr. Riffrat's base of operations.

"Ah, Perry the Drakopus, how unexpected!" Gangrel declared in a voice that sounded like an Englishman with a sore throat speaking in a German accent. "And by unexpected, I mean _completely expected!_ " he screamed as he pushed a button (labeled "ARMS") on the wall behind him. Instantly, mechanical appendages shot out of the floor and sealing, trapping Perry's limbs. "Now, Perry the Drakopus, tremble in fear at my Evil plan!"

"I have covered the entire eastern seaboard in tin foil, so that when I activate my fearsome-" Gangrel paused to pull off a sheet revealing his dastardly contraption. "Magnifinator!" Dramatic music played in the background.

Dr. Riffrat continued speaking. "As I was saying, I will use this to pull the east west, therefore either causing the universe to explode via paradoxical overload (that _is_ a worst-case scenario) or reversing the rotation of the Earth! And what do I have to gain from this? ...I haven't the slightest idea."

Will Agent P escape the clutches of Mad King Gangrel? Will Aversa bust her brother and his little friends, too? Will James and Nowi keep the power loaders?! To find out, tune in next time!


	3. In Which Physics are Defied

**Author's Note:** I don't own tv shows (Like PnF). I also don't own video games (Like FE). To answer your question, Vader, James started out as my avatar, but eventually evolved into his own character as I exaggerated some parts of my own personality and added some completely new ones. Now, let's get back to the show!

...

Inside FoodMart, a young lad was taping a poster to one of those pillar-like objects that you always see in supermarkets and other similar places. You know what I'm talking about. The boy had white hair, and was squinting so hard that it looked like his eyes were closed. He was also singing a cheerful little song.

" _Puttin' a poster on a post, yes I am! I like my toast with strawberry jam!_ Because it looks like blood!" Henry (that was his name) skipped away, and Aversa walked past, racking her mind for ideas.

"Come on," she told herself. "They can't just make _this_ disappear, right?" Then, she noticed the poster that Henry had put up. "'James (and Chrom and Nowi) present-the Coolest Coaster this quadrant of the complex number plane?' This is the perfect proof! Father! Father!" she cried, running off.

Some nameless extras gathered round the pillar. "James built a _rollercoaster?"_

"Hey, Nowi and Chrom built it, too! Apparently," added one.

"Shut up, Terrence." What do you know. Guess one of them has a name.

"Do you think we'll get on for free if we bring the poster?"

"Better take it, just in case," said the third, finally speaking up. They took the poster off and walked out.

"Is taking posters from the supermarket legal?" asked Terrence.

"It putting them in the supermarket legal?"

"Good point."

"Also, it's not a supermarket. It's a _grocery store._ "

 _We now return to your regularly scheduled (mediocre) Fanfic._

"See?" shouted Aversa, frantically dragging her father to the pillar thing. " _Definite proof_ that I'm not crazy." She presented the place where the poster used to be to him.

There was a pause. "What am I supposed to be seeing?" Validar finally asked. Aversa looked at the post and shrieked. "I see," was his sarcastic reaction. "No _crazy_ person would scream at a post like that. I'll be in the dairy section if you want to come yell at some cheese."

 _At the house..._

A large crowd of people were gathered in James's backyard, including Henry, Tharja, Terrence, and his two friends. There was a stage in front, blocking the view of the ride. Chrom walked up to a microphone, cleared his throat, had a drink of water, took a deep breath, and said:

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I present, James Grimaspawn!" He sidestepped several times and pulled a lever, lifting up his friend on a platform.

"So who wants to ride this rollercoaster!?" There were raised hands and cheering from the crowd. He followed up his question with, "Now, who wants to pay to go on a crudely made ride designed specifically to terrify them (with the side effect of causing brain damage) under the premise of 'entertainment'?" Only one person's hand was raised up. "Put your hand down, Henry." No one's hand was raised up.

James quickly breathed out. "Now that _that's_ settled, any questions?"

Terrence waved his arm. "I have one. Why do we have to pay 5 dollars each to ride this rollercoaster?"

"Well, _obviously._ Building material doesn't come cheap, you know," James answered.

There was a silence. Then, he burst out in laughter.

"Doesn't-come-cheap!" he managed to say between chortles. "We get all our building materials from the city council, in exchange for obeying the zoning laws! It's to pay for replacing Guitar Warrior controllers."

 _Flashback!_

3 days ago, James and Chrom were finishing off a song in Guitar Warrior. " _...and I owe my life to rock-and-roll!_ " Chrom and the game sang in unison.

"WOOT! YES! PERFECT SCORE!" screamed James as he smashed his Guitar against the floor. He and Chrom looked at it for a second before he offered an alternative.

"Maybe we should just play _Righteous Dancing LIV_."

 _Back to the future..._

Tharja raised her hand. "Why don't they just _enforce_ the zoning laws?"

James shrugged. "I don't know, they probably think we're going to destroy city hall with an, I dunno, atomic wrecking ball? Now: who wants to ride this puppy!"

Henry gasped. "You have _puppies?!_ "

"It's an expression, Henry."

"Aww."

 _Simultaneously..._

Back at Gangrel's lair, Perry was calculating the path of a ricocheting screw that he was about to launch (off the computers and into the wire that seemed to power his trap, which it would then cut, causing the arms to lose power, allowing him to escape) while the doctor himself was discussing finances.

"...I read in this one book, "Life of Ferd", or whatever, that the best place to invest your money is in your own business, but I already put all of it into making -inators, which I suppose is my business, but it doesn't really make me any money..."

Dr. Riffrat was interrupted by the realization that his nemesis was aiming right at him (or so he thought) with a very sharp looking screw. Fortunately for him (in the short run) it whizzed past his head. "Ha! You missed!" Gangrel taunted his foe (do you think I use parentheses too much?).

However, the projectile bounced off the monitor behind him, hitting the wire...head first. But that wasn't the end of its path. The wire stretched back like a slingshot, shooting the screw directly towards Gangrel's shoe!

Then it curved upwards and hit his belt. It broke, causing his pants to fall down and revealing his underwear, which had boxing gloves on them.

"Ah, yes. You've discovered my 'boxer boxers'. Well that's not going to-" Dr. Riffrat's spiel was interrupted by him tripping on his fallen pants. His crown flew off his head (Oh, I forgot to mention he wore one. It's made of plastic.) and hit a cart carrying chemicals, rolling it into a trampoline.

"Why do I even _have_ that?" Gangrel said, suspending his pants with his cape. A beaker bounced off it, spilling its acidic contents on one of the arms. Perry took the opportunity to turn his head and, at the right moment, breathed fire on the damaged appendage, freeing his right hand. He threw his hat towards the button, turning off the doctor's trap. He was free!

...

As rollercoster climbed up the steep incline, James was showing the passengers how to use their seatbelts. He was rather vague about it.

"To fasten, insert this thingy into the other thingy. To release, press this little red-oops!" he said, as he accidentally dropped their only belt. "Guess we're riding it without seatbelts."

Tharja was not optimistic. "We're all gonna die, aren't we."

Henry, however, was. "That would be fun!"

"Ah, relax, guys," reassured James. "This is perfectly safe...hey, look the top of a plane!" His face suddenly froze. "I'm not sure I want to ride this thing."

The tracks plummeted downward, and the coaster did the same. As the ride twisted and turned, the expression on everyone's face was one of pure terror. (Except for Henry, who was clearly enjoying himself, Nowi, who was bemused, and Tharja, who was unimpressed.

An air cannon launched a horde of snakes at the coaster.

"Relax!" shouted Nowi. "They're just rubber!"

" _Phew._ I am _so_ glad that I forgot to specify real ones."

...

Meanwhile, Validar was at the FoodMart checkout. Aversa, for lack of a better plan, strolled outside. To her astonishment, James's rollercoaster was right next to the parking lot. "Father!" she cried, sprinting back inside the store. "Father!"

...

"Perry the Drakopus! You escaped!?" yelled Dr. Riffrat. Before he had time to react, his nemesis, who had retrieved his fedora, preformed an acrobatic maneuver, then bounded upwards and slapped Gangrel in the face with his tail.

"Ow! That thing's sharp, you know."

Agent P snatched up a wrench, readying his stance for the duel he was expecting to have with the Doctor.

Instead, Gangrel ran over to his Magnifinator and activated it. "Now, tremble in fear at-the giant ball of tin foil flying directly at us...you know, _maybe_ this was ill-advised."

He and Perry desperately tried to separate the machine from the magnet that it was powering.

"It's no use! We're all doomed! Well, you and me are doomed..." Thinking quickly, Agent P fired a grappling hook at a nearby helicopter, then tied some of the rope to the magnet. As it flew away, it took said magnet with it. Having completed his mission, Perry escaped on it.

Gangrel was very grateful. "What do you know! You saved us, Perry the-" His sentence was cut short, by virtue of being hit with a gigantic ball of tin foil. "Curse you, Perry the Drakopus!" he cried, as he rolled of into the distance.

 _Agent P!_

The enormous magnet below the helicopter attracted the Magnifinator, which amplified its pull enough to lift up the rollercoaster out of the road-and out of sight.

 _In the parking lot..._

"Behold!" exclaimed Aversa, once again presenting nothing to her Father.

There was a pause.

"Aversa, I don't have time for this. I'm getting the cart."

"No! I swear, it was _here,_ and it was _huge!_ " Aversa cried out in anguish. Suddenly, she noticed the rollercoaster being carried through the sky.

She approached her Father. "So, you believe that James is sitting in that tree in our backyard _right now,_ correct?"

"Yes."

"And if he isn't, then you'll believe me?"

"I'm not sure about _that,_ but he'd certainly be in trouble if he left without permission."

" _Perfect._ We just need to get home as soon as possible."

...

As he hung onto the magnet, Agent P realized that the helicopter was smoking. _Probably because of the weight of this rollercoaster,_ he thought. Perry cut through the rope, fell down, and landed in the cart behind James and Nowi.

"Oh, there you are, Perry," said James, still clearly terrified.

"Nice hat, Henry!" complimented Nowi. Henry, on the other hand, curiously examined the tiny fedora that had somehow ended up on his head.

The coaster flew off a track and into a construction area. "Hey, James, was this in the blueprints?" Nowi asked as a large girder knocked it upwards. "Ok, I'm _sure_ that this is new," she added, as the carts became lodged on the wing of an airplane.

Aversa saw them as she and Validar drove home.

" _Excellent..._ " she said, quietly cackling.

"Aversa, sometimes I worry about you. Of course, who am _I_ to talk..."

After several minutes, the rollercoaster finally fell off the plane, but I wouldn't call bouncing off the Statue of Liberty much of an improvement. It proceeded to ram into a tree, which bent down towards a nearby Slushy Dog stand.

"Welcome to Slushy Dog. May I take your order."

"You're kidding right?" exclaimed an incredulous Chrom, right before the tree launched him and his friends into the Eiffel Tower, which also bent over to an open window French bakery.

"Voudriez-vous un croissant?"

"HOW IS THIS HAPPENING!?" cried Chrom, just as the famed tower launched them (somehow) into the lower atmosphere-Ok, I need to make another disclaimer. This is ludicrous and extremely hard to write. In my defense, I did not come up with this, and the rest of the fanfic will be a lot better. Thank you.

Now where was I? Ah, yes. James, Chrom, Nowi, Tharja, Henry, Perry, Terrence, and Pedro (I looked it up, and it turns out he does have a name. Who knew?) were all stuck in a rollercoaster in space.

It was cold and quiet. James was not optimistic about the circumstances.

"We're going to die alone and unloved and float off into space, and no one will ever find us _ever again._ "

Nowi rebutted him. "Ok, besides the fact that we're all together, ergo, none of us are alone, I wouldn't call _you_ unloved, either."

"Yes," said Tharja, leaning forwards. " _I'm_ here." James hit his head against the railing as a satellite floated by.

Chrom attempted to make light of the situation. "You know...if that hits James's house, his sister is in charge." Nobody laughed. Fortunately for them, it hit their rollercoaster, propelling them towards the Earth.

 _Meanwhile, at Houston..._

"Hold up," said an Astronomer. One of our satellites just hit something."

"It's an alien spaceship! **AAAAAH!** "

"Josh, it's probably just a meteor."

"Oh."

"Wait, we just got in some pictures-it's red and it appears to be filled with people."

"It's an alien spaceship! **AAAAAAH!** "

...

"We're going to catch on fire!" yelled Chrom, as he and his friends plummeted through the atmosphere.

"Yay!" rejoiced a passenger. (One guess as to who)

Eveyone screamed-except for Nowi.

"Do you think we should have charged more?" she wondered aloud.

On the ground, Aversa and Validar returned home. As her fathered opened the trunk of the car, she checked the backyard. No one. _Victory is mine,_ she assured herself.

"Father, Father! Come quick!"

"Very well, but don't make me wait." He opened the door in the fence to find...

James, Chrom, and Nowi, sitting underneath the tree, as expected.

"Hi, mister Grimaspawn!" James friends said in unison.

He waved and turned back to the groceries.

Aversa was stunned. "But-but-but... _how?!_ "

"Aversa, I need your help getting the frozen foods inside."

She growled and entered the house.

After a moment, Nowi looked up and called, "Ok, the coast is clear!" All the passengers climbed out of the tree, complimenting the ride.

"That was awesome!"

"Best. Coaster. Ever!"

"It even defies the laws of physics!"

"Shut up, Terrence."

"So, James," Chrom asked. "Did you have fun?"

"A little," was the terrified response. "But I _never_ want to do that again."

"Not even if we sang?"

"I _probably_ never want to do that again."

Tharja dropped from the tree last. "So...can I come again tomorrow?" she inquired.

"Probably not."

"Ugh...what is it going to take to get you to like me!?"

"Ok, for the record, I have a secret crush on Nowi," James retorted, pointing at her. "But don't tell her that."

"Oh, cool! The feeling's mutual!"

Tharja stormed out of the yard, grumbling. "That's not how secret crushes _work,_ people!"

James didn't mind. He built a huge rollercoaster, had fun with his friends, made 30 dollars, and had the time of his life...building it at least. _Riding it_ was a nightmare.

 _It's been an awesome day,_ he thought. _And tomorrow's gonna be aleph-null-1 times better!_

Then the tree exploded.

" _Father!_ "

"Aversa, I'm _busy!_ "

 **Author's Note:** So that's Rollercoaster done. I hope this chapter is more original, to make up for the last two, Vader. I do have a plan, though. I'll only adapt my favorites and the specials, and create brand new adventures to fill the gaps. Sound good? Now, to quote the Squid Sisters, stay fresh!


	4. All the World's a Fanfic

Disclaimer-I don't own stuff. _Especially_ not Hamlet.

...

The second day of summer vacation was indeed another marvelous day. The sun was shining, birds were singing; on days like this, kids like James were finally rolling (literally) out of bed at 9:30 am. Actually, I think he's the only one who does that.

After crawling through the hallway, he attempted to descend the stairs when he tripped on his pajamas and fell unceremoniously down them. (The stairs, not the pajamas. That wouldn't make sense.)

"What a fish flub," he moaned, still half-asleep. James was always like this in the morning. He picked himself up and trudged into the kitchen, where he made himself a large mug of espresso with two creams and five sugars. After a few gulps, he was up and ready to start the day.

"Hi mom! Wat'cha reading!" he asked. Lyria looked up from her book and looked at her son. She had purple hair braided into a ponytail, blue eyes, and long eyelashes.

"A book of Shakespeare's plays. _Hamlet_ , specifically. It's renowned as one of his greatest tragic plays, along with _Romeo and Juliet_ , and _Macbeth_." She didn't hesitate to use longer words. She knew that James was rather precocious for a 10-year-old, and that he prided himself on his extensive vocabulary.

"Ooh, what's it about?"

"Well, first, Hamlet sees his Father as a ghost, who tells him that his brother murdered him and took the throne for himself, marrying his wife, the queen. Enraged by this transgression, Hamlet swears revenge on his Uncle, the current King."

James was silent for a moment. "You mean like _The Tiger Prince_?"

"Yes, that movie was inspired by _Hamlet_."

"Hmm...sounds interesting. Let me take a look." James hopped up next to his mother and began scanning the page.

"...I can't read any of this. Did they _honestly_ speak like this back then?"

"No, only in Shakespeare's plays," Lyria replied. "It's like...they were talking in rhyme."

"Well, that's not a very good way to tell a story!" Then, an idea dawned on him. " _But..._ if the actors spoke normally...and we cut it down a bit..." He whipped out his JPhone and called Chrom and Nowi on simultaneous speed-dial. "Guys, I know what we're going to do today!"

He proceeded to laugh maniacally and run in ellipses, and then hit the front door.

"Maybe you should switch to decaf."

...

In a few decaminutes, James, Chrom, and Nowi had set up a workable stage in their backyard.

"It has holographic projectors, which means it can switch scenes in a push of a button!" James explained. He tapped a remote a few times, changing the background of the stage to a medieval castle, a tranquil forest, and a desolate, burning city whose streets were filled with blood.

"Huh. I don't remember adding that."

" _We're looking at you, Henry!_ " yelled Nowi.

In a moment, Tharja entered the yard and approached the object of her affections.

"Wat'cha doin'?"

"Thar _-ja_." You may be wondering about the italics. Well, when James says Tharja's name like that, he uses the English hard _j_ , rather than the French soft _j_. Now, back to the story.

"Ooh, are you putting on a play?"

"Yep. A reenactment of _Hamlet_."

"Nice. Can I be in it?"

He thought for a moment, and then replied, "You can be Ophelia."

"Who's she?"

"Basically Hamlet's love interest."

"And...are you Hamlet?"

"Yup."

Tharja cackled slightly as she rubbed her hands together. "Oh, this is going to be _wonderful..._ " she said, walking away while Chrom approached his friend.

"So, I guess you didn't tell her about how you yell at her, causing her to go crazy and commit suicide?"

"I might have forgone mentioning that."

"And while we're on the topic of Shakespearean romances," James segued. "Wherefore art though, Perry?"

...

Perry was in the Hall at that moment. After determining that the coast was clear, he jumped up, put on his fedora, and tipped over a plant pot. It fell to the ground and broke. He looked at it, confused, for a moment. Then, a robotic voice declared, " **SOUND-RECOGNIZED. ACCESS-GRANTED** " The painting above the fern opened up to reveal a large vacuum, which sucked up Agent P. He shot through a series of tubes, and then plopped down upon the chair in his HQ.

"Good morning, Agent P," Major Basillo greeted. "How do you like the new security system?"

"It's not actually that practical. Firstly, it's too easy to accidentally gain access; anyone can break a potted plant. Second, we have to spend time and-"

"Quiet, Ricken. What do you know about being a spy? You're a sixth grader!"

"With straight A's!"

Basillo ignored his young intern and turned back to Perry's briefing. "Anyway, Dr. Riffrat has recently bought a giant fishbowl. We need you to go and see what he's up to."

Agent P saluted, grabbed his jet pack, and flew off.

...

 **Author's Notes:** First original episode! This is a momentous occasion! Tell me if you like it, and if I should do more like this, or stick to the originals.

I actually have a plan for this fic: 104 episodes altogether. Yeah, expect to see a _lot_ of chapters.


	5. Grangel Riffrat and the Tragic Backstory

Disclaimer: I don't own FEA or PnF, which is good, because if I did, I'd probably force them to turn my sick ideas into reality. Like, this fic, for example.

...

Aversa was pacing in her room, pondering on the best way to bust her brothers.

"I've always tried to bring Father to their project, and failed...but what if I brought the project to _Father_! " she said as inspiration struck her. However, she soon regressed. "No...that would only work if it was portable. Wait a minute," Aversa exclaimed, realizing something. "Did I just see a stage in our backyard?" She looked, and to her astonishment, there it was. An enormous stage, complete with red curtains, sat right next to the tree.

Aversa was livid. "Oh, James is really going to get it!" She stormed down the stairs, aiming to confront her brother. "What are you doing!?" she demanded of him.

"We're putting on a recreation of Shakespeare's _Hamlet_. I thought it was obvious."

"I can't believe you! I'm going to call Father and show him this monstrosity you've made!"

"You could do that... _or_ you could play the queen."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because Lyon's playing the king."

Aversa was torn. "James and his friends really need to be busted...but I even _really-_ er,"

"I don't think that's a word!"

"I _even more_ need to find a way to spend more time with Lyon..."

After several seconds, she agreed. "Ok, fine. I'll do it. Now what do I need to do for rehearsal?"

James thought for a moment, and then answered: "You could practice getting poisoned and dying."

Aversa facepalmed.

...

Perry rocketed into his nemesis' lair, ready for action! He proceeded to step on a button and get trapped by a giant fishbowl.

"Ah, the old button-and-giant-fishbowl trap," Dr. Riffrat chuckled as he walked forward. "Works every time. And before you say, 'ooh, how do you know it works every time, you've only done it once,'" he added. "It has worked every time I used it, which is the one time, hence/ergo/Q.E.D./whatever, it's worked every time."

Gangrel pushed a button on the remote he was carrying and Perry was tied up by robotic appendages.

"Whoops!" he reminded himself, pushing another button. "Mustn't forget the muzzle! I'm not going to have a repeat of _last_ time. Anyway, I'm going to need that fishbowl-for my goldfish!" He held up a plastic bag. Inside swam a small orange fish.

Perry stared in disbelief at the doctor.

"Now, I know what you're thinking. How is this little goldfish going to live in that giant thing? Well, I'll tell you."

"Back in Plegia," he said, beginning one of his famed tragic backstories. "I was never allowed to have a pet; not even a tiny one, like a hamster, or a goldfish! But my parents said, 'You have to show you're _responsible_ first!" So I consoled myself by getting a pet rock!" Riffrat paused for dramatic impact. "It ran away."

After taking a moment to wipe away a small tear, he continued. "Now, just last week, a brilliant thought occurred to me: I was an adult now! I lived alone! I could have a pet if I wanted to! I didn't even have a wife to say that she was allergic to fish scales! So I decided to get a goldfish, but I needed a tank or a bowl for it first. I looked online at Nile and fBay, and I found a bowl up for auction. I bid for a dollar, and I won!"

"It was supposed to deliver today, so this morning I went out and bought my goldfish. It had arrived while I was gone, and it turned out to be huge! Also, the shipping cost was like, $200, but that's besides the point. So I had this giant goldfish bowl and I was stuck with nothing to do with it. Then it struck me: I would shrink it and use it as a home for FinFace!"

Gangrel gestured to his fish. "That's his name. FinFace."

"And how do I plan to do this?" he asked rhetorically. "With this!" he continued, pulling the sheet off of one of his inventions. "My Shrinkinator!"

"Now all I have to do is get this thing off of you!" Suddenly, something dawned on him. "How do I get this thing off of you?"

...

In James's backyard, a rather large crowd of children had come to see the play. Behind the scenes, the Fireside Girls (Sully, Sumia, Cordelia, Olivia, and Nowi) set up the scene: Nowi, the troop leader, activated the holographic projecter, Sully prepared to pull the curtain, and the rest brought in props.

"Boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, men and women, males and females..." Nowi yelled through a megaphone. "May I present, an adaption of Shakespeare's H _amlet_!"

The scene opened upon a castle resting in the center of a misty Scottish moor. It's drawbridge was manned by two soldiers (Kellam and Vaike). Chrom approached the latter, who then began to question him.

"Are you on the list?"

"Since when did you have a _list_?"

"New security measures. Can't be to careful after the assassination. Now, are you on the list?"

"I have an invitation, will that do?"

"Hmm...maybe. First, I'll need you to state your name and business."

"You know who I am, Vaike."

"Sorry, Chromio. I can't let you go in to see the prince until you state your name and business."

" _You just said my name, and my business!"_

"Oh...sorry. You can go through."

The curtains fell, and Nowi changed the scene. James scurried onto the set, and Henry readied his cardboard cutout and rope.

Sully pulled back the curtains, and the play continued.

"So, this is where you saw the ghost?" "Chromio" asked.

"Not just any ghost. The ghost..." James paused for dramatic impact. " **Of my father!** "

"You know, I find this all a little unlikely..."

"Shhhh. He's coming!" On cue, Henry lifted a piece of white cardboard with a picture of Validar on it down to the stage.

" _Ooooh,_ " he said. " _I have returned as a spoooooky ghost...to get my revenge!"_

"Revenge? Is this about the time I broke your favorite hunting bow?"

 _"Noooooo...though I am still a bit miffed."_

"Nice word choice."

 _"I wish for you to get revenge **for** me...on your Uncle Lyonius!"_

"What!? Why?!"

 _"For killing me! Obviously!"_

"Good point. Don't worry father," James swore. "By the soul of my...well, you...I will avenge you! Additionally, I'll probably become king, too! Of course, that's not the only or even the primary reason for me doing this, but it is a factor!"

"I'm still here, you know," Chromio added.

 **Author's Note:** I have little to say about this chapter. Expect about 800-900 words per chapter, occasionally longer. The final part of an episode, for example.


	6. Play-ers Gonna Play

**Disclaimer:** Who here thinks I own Phineas and Ferb and Fire Emblem: Awakening?...Put your hand down, Henry.

...

Back at Riffrat Evil Incorporated, the doctor had returned with a small ray gun. "Behold...my Lift-Up-A-Goldfish-Bowlinator!" he declared, proudly lifting up his invention.

"It does...well, you know what it does." Gangrel zapped the giant fishbowl, but, strangely, nothing happened. "That's odd," he said. Dr. Riffrat tried a few more times. To his dismay, the ray still failed in its only purpose.

"Oh, come on! It's a device _specifically_ designed to lift up goldfish bowls, it should work on a giant-" Suddenly, realization dawned on him. "That's it! It's a Lift-Up-A- _Goldfish_ -Bowlinator, not a Lift-Up-A- _Giant_ -Goldfish-Bowlinator."

"Just give me a minute," Gangrel assured his nemesis as he walked off. Perry rolled his eyes.

...

In the Grimaspawn's backyard, Aversa was steeling herself for her role of the Queen.

"I can't believe that I get to sit next to _Lyon!_ Ok, play it cool...play it cool..." She took a deep breath, then sat in the throne next to her crush. Lyon had lavender hair and a languid look. He didn't talk to people that often, but many of Povensburg's teenaged girls, Aversa included, felt that it made him more attractive.

"So...Lyon...how have things been going?"

"Shh. I took an after-school method acting class last year. I'm trying to get in character." Simultaneously, Chrom and Sully set the stage by carrying a smaller stage onto the larger stage.

"We're carrying a stage onto a stage..." Sully wondered aloud. "For a play within a play. Talk about recursing, huh?" They scurried off the set, James and Henry took their places, Nowi changed the background, and the remaining Fireside Girls pulled up the curtain.

James began to speak. "Lady and Gentleman, may I present, the thrilling tragedy known as... _The Story of a King Who is Definitely **Not** My Father and His Evil Brother Who is Definitely **Not** My Uncle Lyonius_."

"He knows what's going on, doesn't he," Lyonius whispered to himself.

James (Or, The King Who is _Not_ His Father) strolled through the miniature set, whistling. Suddenly, Henry popped out, carrying a cardboard replica of a sword.

"Mwahaha! It is I! Your eeeeeevil brother! I will kill you and take the throne for myself!"

TKWi _N_ JsF gasped in shock as HEBWi _N_ JsUL thrust his sword at his chest.

"Oh no, I have been stabbed! And now, I am dying!" James fell over slowly and dramatically, ending his performance with one last " _Bleh_ ". He and Henry got up and took a bow.

"He _undoubtedly_ knows what's going on."

After a quick scene change, Lyonius was standing in the hallway. "Pedrocrantz! Terrenstern!" he beckoned. In a moment, the two perfectly normal(ish) children playing the role of royal messengers stepped forward.

"Yes, your majesty!" they said in tandem.

"I need you to send this message to...I don't know, the king of Scotland? Just make sure it gets there. Oh, and take James with you." They saluted, the King walked away.

Just then, the prince walked in. "Oh, hi guys! Can I make a revision to that?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is an official letter from the _king_. You can't just waltz in and change it..."

"Um, I'm the _prince_. Don't I have the authority?"

"Huh. Good point. Here's the letter."

"Wait...does he actually have the authority?" Terrenstern questioned as James changed "Prince James" in the letter to "these guys (but not Prince James)" and briefly showed his modification to the audience.

"Shut up, Terrenstern." Pedro took the letter and walked off the set. "Aren't you coming?" he inquired.

"In a minute," the prince replied.

"That's your cue, Tharja," Pedro told Ophelia's actor. She sighed. Tharja was _not_ looking forward to this.

"Wat'cha doin'?" she asked James.

"Ophelia, I'm busy here!"

"Too busy for _me?_ "

"...I'm always too busy for you."

"So...what are you doing this afternoon?"

"None of your business."

"Can I join you?"

" _NOOOOO!_ " he screamed as he stormed away. Ophelia broke out in tears and ran off the stage.

Nowi activated her bullhorn. "We'll be having a brief intermission, you can grab a snack at the table we set up, feel free to chat amongst yourselves!" She hopped onto the ground, where Miriel approached her and complimented her on her word choice.

"I compliment you on your word choice," Miriel said. While Nowi thanked her, Tharja and Aversa began talking about their romantic life.

"What you need to do," the 10-year-old said. "Is be more bold. I mean, look at me! Every day, I make advances towards James! Sure, I never succeed, but still."

"I think I'll stick to my way of doing it."

...

Back at Riffrat Evil Incorporated, Gangrel had created another -inator to retrieve his fishbowl.

"Behold, my Giant-Goldfish-Bowl-Lift-Upinator! Yeah, I changed the name." Dr. Riffrat hit his target with the ray, lifting it up an inch into the air. He sighed.

"I'm going to have to specify how _much_ into the air, aren't I?" Perry nodded.

...

Back in the yard, the intermission ended, and the Fireside Girls readied the set. Aversa and Lyon took their places, and Tharja retrieved her props for the scene. Sully pulled the curtain and Nowi held up a sign reading "Three Days Later".

"You know, I haven't seen Ophelia for quite some time," Aversa, the queen, remarked.

"Indeed," replied Lyonius. "Haenry has been rather worried about her." That moment, Ophelia strolled in with a crazed look in her eye, angrily tossing flowers behind her.

"Ophelia! Are...you all right?" asked the queen nervously.

"No. By the way, who are you?"

"Hmm...she appears to have gone insane."

"You got that right. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go drown myself." Tharja walked off the set, and Aversa feigned a terrified expression as Sully pulled down the curtain.

One scene change later, Lyon paced in down the stage, with Henry close at hand.

"So what you're saying is that Prince James is responsible for this whole mess?" Haenry said, seeking affirmation from his liege.

"Yes. Fortunately, I am having him executed by the King of Scotland. He will trouble us no longer-" At that moment, Vaike entered the room.

"Uh, your majesty? So...James's back."

"Blast. We'll have to use another method," he whispered to Haenry. "You challenge him to a duel, but coat your blade in poison. All you have to do is get in one hit, and you win. Why, I'll even set aside some poisoned victory wine, just in case everything goes horribly wrong"

Henry thought about this for a moment, but then shook his head. "I dunno. I like killing as much as the next guy-oh, who am I kidding. I like it _more_ than the next guy-but this way, it just doesn't seem fair."

"Fair? Was it fair that his constant rejection of Ophelia's affections drove her too madness?"

"Oh, yeah," Vaike said, poking his head into the room. "Ophelia's dead. She drowned herself." Lyonius turned to Henry, who seemed both shocked and outraged.

"...give me the poison," he said abruptly. The king chuckled, and the scene ended.

...

In a few minutes, the next scene had been set up. Chrom and James stood in an overcast field, where the former stood in astonishment at his friend.

"Weren't you captured and killed by pirates on a trip to Scotland? How did you escape?!"

"Well, it's a funny story," the prince said, chuckling. "You see, it started out when I made a revision to the royal courtier' message..." His story was interrupted, however, by Kellam (playing a castle guard) running in to deliver a note.

"Special delivery for Prince James!" he said, handing him a rolled up piece of paper. As the sentry walked off, he read the paper aloud to Chromio.

"'Dear Prince James-I'll have you know that I'm veeery upset with you for making Ophelia go crazy. There's only one way to settle this: I challenge you to a duel!' Then it notes the time and place of the duel. Oh, and he wrote a P.S. 'Enclosed is my glove. Feel free to slap yourself with'"

"What are you going to do?" his friend asked.

"Fight him, of course! I can't solve all my problems by jumping on dolphins!" Chrom became visibly confused. "I'll tell you later," James added.

...

Back at Riffrat Evil Incorporated, the doctor had _finally_ created an -inator that would lift his giant bowl.

"Behold," he declared wearily. "My Lift-A-Giant-Goldfish-Bowl-10-Feet-In-The-Airinator." He pressed the trigger button, and slowly, but surely, the fishbowl rose upwards. "It's working! It's actually working! Um, I mean, I totally knew it would work." Unbeknownst to him, Perry had secretly been sawing away at his ropes with the spikes on his tail. As soon as he identified an opening, he ducked under his trap and snatched away Gangrel's Lift-A-Ok, I'm not writing all that again. First, it would be to repetitive. Second, I'm on mobile, so I can't just copy-paste. Are we good? Good.

Anway, Perry snatched Gangrel's -inator and threw it against the wall, destroying it. It's effect stopped, and the bowl fell to the floor. Agent P's nemesis screamed, before realizing that FinFace's potential home didn't break.

"Huh. Must be plastic."

...

The final scene of the play was about to start, and everyone was brimming with excitement. Lyon and Aversa sat in their thrones, James and Henry readied their toy rapiers, and Chrom looked on from the side. Sully lifted the curtain, and the ending of the play began.

"Now?" James asked.

"Now," Haenry replied.

Then, they dashed at each other, parrying each other's blows and looking for an opening.

"Personally, I'm rooting for James," the queen admitted, while, to the horror of Lyonius, drinking the backup poison wine.

"That grape juice isn't _actually_ poisoned, right?" Nowi tried to confirm with Tharja.

"It _might_ be."

At that very moment, Henry got in a hit. However, James used an opening to make three strikes and disarm his opponent.

"Haha, I won! Victory is-wait why are you smiling?"

"You don't know about the poison."

"What poison?"

" _The poison right behind you!_ " James turned away, and Henry ran off the stage.

"What are you talking about? I don't see any-gur!" Suddenly, James clutched his chest. "Oh... _that_ poison." At that moment, the queen fell to the floor and began to gasp. The prince turned to the king, and spoke in a voice that was weak, but full of defiance.

"This...was your idea...wasn't it?"

"Very perceptive."

"Of course, I don't have anything to lose now." To the shock of Lyonius, the prince sprung forward and hit his uncle with the tip of his plastic blade. He staggered backwards, falling over his throne. Meanwhile, the prince dropped to the floor.

"James!" Chromio cried, rushing to his friend's side.

"Well, this turned out horribly, don't you think?"

"At least the couriers are still alive."

Then, Vaike walked in. "So...Pedrocrantz and Terrenstern are dead?"

"Never mind."

"Wouldn't this make for a great story? Write all this down, Chromio."

"All right, but who should be king?"

"Well, Haenry's crazy and the royal guards aren't the brightest...you know what, you can be my heir."

"Me? I'm not sure I have the responsibility..."

"Like I said-well, more like implied-everyone else is thoroughly terrible, so why not you? Anyway, I need to come up with some really cool last words...oops, too la-" James interrupted himself by pretending to die. After a few seconds, he, Lyon, and Aversa got up, and the rest of the actors came onto the stage. They all took proudly took a bow. All except Aversa, that is.

"Now that the play is over, I have the perfect opportunity to bust you! Mother! _Mother!"_ she cried, running into the house.

"She never busts us," James clarified to Lyon.

...

Back at Riffrat Evil Incorporated (for the fourth time this chapter, no less!) Agent P and his nemesis were locked in combat. Gangrel kicked Perry into the Shrinkinator, which fired a beam towards the ground.

...

"Mother!" Aversa cried as she dashed to Lyria's "Think Room".

"Oh, hello Aversa! Can you help me come up with a synonym for 'incredulity' It's for the book I've been-"

"No time to chat; James and his friends are putting on a _play!_ "

"Oh, yes. He told me about it this morning." Then, she noticed that her daughter was wearing an ornate dress. "Oh, were you in it?"

"Well, yes, but that's beside the point! Come on!" She grabbed her mother's arm and dragged her to the backyard. Unfortunately for her, the Shrinkinator's ray hit the stage at that moment, reducing its size to almost nothing.

"Wow," Chrom said. "Good thing we got off of it."

Lyria saw her son and his friends in their costumes, while the audience stood up and clapped.

"Hi James!" she said. "Sorry about missing the show."

"It's Ok, Mom. We had _so_ much fun!"

Aversa, meanwhile, was lamenting her failure. " _NOOOO!_ "

...

Perry figured that since Riffrat's plan wasn't necessarily _evil,_ his destruction of the You-Know-Whatinator would be satisfactory for OWASOCA (Organization With A Sort Of Cool Acronym).

"What, you're just leaving?" Gangrel said, bewildered. "That means...I can go on with my plan to make FinFace a home!" He zapped the giant fishbowl with his Shrinkinator, filled it with water, and let his goldfish swim into it.

"Yes! I finally succeeded with an evil scheme! Well, this one was more of a regular scheme...but now what am I going to do with the Shrinkinator?" He thought for a moment, and then said, "I guess I can use it as a planter."

...

 _Well, today's been extremely bad,_ Aversa thought. _I couldn't bust my brother, I couldn't come up with a new busting strategy...I couldn't even get Lyon's attention..._ At that moment, the aforementioned Lyon approached her.

"You did well in the play today."

"You too," she responded. "You make a pretty good villain!"

"Thank you. You know, you don't meet many people who appreciate good acting. By the way," he added. "I have have a coupon for two free ice cream cones at Jen and Barry's. Would you like to come?"

"Definitely! Of course, I should probably change out of this costume first."

"Likewise." Aversa entered her house with a big smile on her face.

James noticed that Perry had returned. "Oh, there you are, Perry."

Nowi came up next to him. "Why is he wearing a fireproof muzzle?"

"I have no idea."

 **Author's Note:** And that's my first original episode, completed! It doesn't really have a name, just the production title of "Shakespeare". Suggestions on which season one episode to adapt next are welcome, as well as concepts for new ones!


	7. A Record Number of Phone Calls

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Disney or Nintendo, including the franchises featured in this fanfic.

...

The third day of summer vacation dawned on the city of Povensburg, and James was brimming with excitement. You see, there is nothing more catharcic than the first Monday of summer. Well, probably. I'm homeschooled (and haven't had a summer off for 3-4 years), so I wouldn't know. Anyway, back to the story. James fell down the stairs, had his coffee, got dressed, and went outside, greeting his family along the way.

"Oops, forgot to feed Perry!" he exclaimed, remembering his mistake. He dashed back inside, poured some Drakopus food into a bowl, called his pet, and then waited.

No one came.

"Where _is_ Perry?" he wondered aloud.

...

Perry, at that moment, happened to be on the roof. When the coast was clear, he jumped onto his hind legs and ducked behind the chimney.

" **Preparing to scan hat ID,** " a robotic voice said. Agent P sighed and placed a Santa-style cap on his head. A blue ray hit it and the secret entrance opened up. The Draconic spy leaped down the shaft, ended up covered in soot, and plopped right into the chair in his hideout.

"Hello, Agent P," greeted Major Basilio. "Lawn Gnomes have been mysteriously disappearing throughout the entire Tri-State Area. We suspect that Dr. Riffrat has somehow unlocked the secrets of black magic, and now wishes to see the yards of his victims unprotected from his devious new powers."

"You do realize that: A, "black magic" isn't actually real; B, Even if it was: 1, Gnomes wouldn't actually offer any protection against it; 2, it would be extremely unlikely for Gangrel to learn how to wield it?" Ricken's abnormally long sentence was ignored by his superior.

"We need you to get to the bottom of this. Good luck, Agent P." Perry saluted and dashed to the elevator.

...

It was 7:30 sharp, and James, Chrom, and Nowi were sitting under the tree, listening to the radio.

"Today's got the chance to be the hottest day of the summer! I say just sit in the shade with a friend or two and just blow the whole day off."

"'Blow the day off'?" James exclaimed incredulously. "' _Blow the day off_ '? You can't tell me what to do, you're just a radio! _I am not a mindless sheep!_ " he yelled, slamming the instrument against the tree. Everyone was silent for a moment. Then, Nowi spoke up.

"I think you have a conformity complex."

"I do."

"Well," Chrom suggested. "We could go to the beach."

"That's it!" his friend cried. "We'll build a beach! Right here, in my own backyard! I'll get out my old sandbox so we can make a scale model; you two brainstorm some ideas!"

While James ran off, Validar gave his daughter some instructions before he left to his antique store.

"Now, tell James and his friends not to bother your mother. She's writing."

"All right, Father." As he drove off, Aversa approached her brother, who had just come back, dragging his sandbox.

"Now, you heard Father. We can't bother Mother, so I'm in charge. By default."

James shrugged. "I can deal with that."

"Good!" His sister went inside, being careful to watch him and his friends.

James turned to Nowi. "We'll need lifeguards. You Fireside Girls ready to earn your Aquatic Safety patches?"

"You bet! I'll call a meeting." She ran next door to change into her uniform and contact the members of her troop. Meanwhile, James called the local landscaping company.

"I'd like to place an order for 20 tons of sand, please!...314 Cloud Princess Drive...Yes, I know it's weird...Yes, yes I am...bill it to Povensburg Town Hall, please. Thank you, bye!"

...

30 minutes later, the landscapers arrived.

"Aren't you a little-"

"Yes," James said bluntly. "Now can we just get on with it?" After they finished the transaction, Tharja came into the yard and confronted James.

"Wat'cha doin'?"

"Thar- _ja._ So, what are you doing here? ...In a Fireside Girl outfit..."

Nowi entered the conversation to clarify. "She's part of my troop." James banged his head against the tree.

...

About 10 minutes later, Aversa started talking on the phone with Idoun.

"Anyway, Father told me and my brother to not bother Mother, so that makes me in charge..."

"By default," her friend finished.

"Yes, by default. My favorite way to be in charge! Well, besides "in charge devoid of all modifiers", of course. "Kind of in charge" is the worst, because that's the most easily disputable, but "conditionally in charge" is the most directly disputable: if the condition never happens, then-"

"Did you always have a beach in your backyard?" Idoun interrupted. Aversa did not take the news lightly.

" _What?!_ Since when?!" She sprinted out of the house to see the humongous artificial shoreline that her brother and his friends had created.

 **Author's Note:** Not much to say about this one (besides the fact that it holds the record number of phone calls in a chapter so far-but you already knew that from the title), but I'd like to announce that I'm having a poll on which episode to do after this! It's on my profile page, so I reccomend you check it out!


	8. Gnome or Heroes

Disclaimer: For my disclaimer, I shall now produce a humorous short skit. Please enjoy.

Guy: Aren't you a little...young to own Fire Emblem and Phineas and Ferb?

Me: Yes, yes I am. Which is why I do not.

Thank you.

...

"What did you _do?_ " exclaimed an incredulous Aversa.

"We built a beach in our backyard. I thought it was obvious."

"Well," Terrence added. "Technically it goes out of the backyard-"

"Shut up, Terrence," Pedro interrupted.

"Oh...why does nobody listen to what I say?"

"Well, you usually don't talk about anything really worth bringing up."

"What about the play?"

"That wasn't you. That was _Terrenstern._ "

While the two continued to talk, James's sister began to dial her father's number.

"You are _so_ going to be busted!" At that moment, Petrine and Idoun entered through the fence.

"Huh. You really do have a beach in your backyard. I thought Idoun was pranking me again."

Aversa was surprised. "What are you two doing here?"

"Umm, I literally just said why."

"Well, not said. More like directly implied."

"Well, this...thing can't stay! I'm going to tell-"

"You'll be the most popular teenager in the neighborhood," Idoun interrupted.

Aversa seemed extremely conflicted for a moment. Then, she made her decision.

"No. I'm not going to get sucked up into this again-"

"Oh, look. Lyon's coming over."

Aversa remade her decision. "Fine. The beach can stay."

Everybody on the beach cheered. Except for James, that is. He slow clapped.

...

All the noise allowed Perry to sneak behind the house undetected. Sighing, he put on his gnome costume and stood completely stiff and upright. Within seconds, he was sucked through the ground and into a hidden lair.

In it, Dr. Riffrat was sorting through the many garden gnomes he had accumulated over the course of the day.

"Ooh, a new one! Let's see what this baby looks like!" Gangrel casually strolled over to his Garden-Gnome-Collectinator and picked up Agent P. "A drakopus gnome? Seems a little gimmicky but, all-" The OWASOCA agent interrupted his spiel with a tail-propelled dropkick.

"Ah! Did my -inator malfunction and work in reverse!?" Perry removed his disguise and donned his signature fedora. "Hey, where'd you get that hat from-oh, _Perry_ the Drakopus!" Then, the doctor began to wonder. "Wait...where does he get his hat from?" His nemesis recognized the perfect opportunity to tackle Riffrat and pin against the floor.

In case it was ambiguous the first time, Agent P did, in fact, tackle Riffrat and pinned him against the floor.

Right before he was about to deliver a punch to the face, the evil scientist yelled, "Wait! Don't you want to know what my evil scheme is, first?" Perry shrugged and got off Gangrel, who stood up and brushed himself off.

"Now, my evil scheme. Back in Plegia, when I was a boy, my family and all the other families on the block had lawn gnomes. When I asked my father what they did, he just said, 'I'm busy, ask your mother'. So then I asked her, and she said, 'I'm busy, ask your father'. So then I asked my father, who said-well, you get the idea. This went on for 2 whole hours, and I always blamed the gnomes,"

"That started a thing for me; whenever something went wrong, I blamed the gnomes. Eventually my parents got tired of it, so they said, 'Garden Gnomes are strong little guys, if you keep blaming them, they might get angry and come after you.' I think I was supposed to focus on the 'not blaming the gnomes part', but instead I just kept thinking about the 'gnomes are super strong' part. So I took the gnome to my room and studied it, trying to get it to come alive or at least find out the secret of his strength. But it didn't work, so I thought, "maybe he has to be close to all the other gnomes!"

"So then I-well, I say I borrowed, but my parents said I was _'stealing'_. I said it was for an experiment on the ultimate powers of the **Lawn Gnome!** Then my parents took me to a psychiatrist."

"Anyway," Riffrat said, concluding the "backstory" portion of his evil scheme monologue. "I am now a mature(ish) adult, and I know that gnomes will never _actually_ come to life...unless I use one of my fabulous inventions to animate the gnomes and unleash their **nigh unlimited** _power!_ " With a diabolical flourish, he gestured to his device. "Behold, my Gnome-Come-To-Lifeinator!"

Then, he dropped to the floor. "Ok, I think you get the gist; you can start punching me now."

Perry started punching Gangrel.

...

 **Author's Note:** Ah, the gnome story. The first tragic backstory of PnF (Although here, it has to make due with second). As you can see, I completely reamagined the old version, leaving almost no traces of the original. Man, this is a far cry from my first couple of chapters. I started out with just a few differences, and now here I am, with my own running gags and a two brand new backstories. This fanfic has really grown a lot in...a month? Has it really been a month? Wow, that's kind of shocking to me. Anyway, expect the next chapter up before 10:00 on Monday!


	9. In Which Riffrat Makes Bad Puns

Disclaimer: {Fire Emblem, Phineas and Ferb} is not a subset of {x|x is a thing that I own}

...

Back at James's backyard beach, everyone was enjoying themselves. Henry and Tharja were building a sand castle; Vaike wore a plastic shark fin and swam around, trying to scare swimmers; Cordelia manned the lifeguard chair. Finally, of course, Aversa attempted to gain Lyon's attention.

"Oh, hello Lyon!" she said. "I brought some smoothies, would you like one?"

"I would be delighted."

Aversa was overjoyed. _This might be it,_ she thought. _This is the day that-_

 _"_ There's a crab right next to you, you know that?" Lyon said, interrupting her internal monologue. She screamed and rapidly backed away, bending so much that she was almost touching the ground. In fact, she backward-walked all the way under the limbo pole. The judge was shocked.

"That is lowest that I have ever seen anyone go! You shall be the _true_ queen of the beach!" He placed a Hawaiian-style crown on her head, then shouted, "All hail Queen Wahini!" Aversa was brimming with happiness. Meanwhile, James (who, by the way, was still wearing his jacket) flicked a switch and a song started to boom over the loudspeaker.

 _Listen all you people on the beach-a_

 _I'm sure you're all nice and that I'd love to meet'cha!_

"Stay on topic, Disembodied Jamaican Singer Guy!"

 _Every morning James will say_

 _Guys, I know just what to do today!_

 _Everyone goes mental_

 _At the wet ski rental_

 _We got snacks as long as you have good dental_

"Because they're crunchy, get it?"

 _A backyard beach, a backyard beach_

 _Nothing's out of reach, we got a backyard beach_

 _You can change in the broken hut_

 _Drink out of a coconut_

 _Three games for a token but the rest is free!_

 _We got surfing and sailing_

 _Swimming and flailing_

 _Your contacts need saline_

 _Or else you can't see_

 _Got the backyard beach, a backyard beach_

 _Nothing's out of reach, got that backyard beach_

 _A backyard beach, a backyard beach_

 _Don't fall into the breach, have a backyard beach!_

 _..._

At his antiques store, Validar realized that something was very odd.

"No phone calls, no text messages. She's dragged me home every Saturday and Sunday for twelve weeks, but three days into summer, she's run out of ideas? I'm not buying it." He made an announcement to his customers over the loudspeaker. "I'm closing shop early. Finish your business fast and exit before I lock up."

"Aww," moaned a disappointed preteen. "I wanted to keep looking at this archaic relic from the distant past!"

"Balthazar, that's just a phonograph," his mother informed him.

"Cool. Did they use these during the Revolution?"

...

"Hi there!" Henry said to a poor, unsuspecting second grader. "Boy, the beach sure is fun! You know what else is fun? Watching rats get brutally murdered by those snappy things in mousetraps!" The child began to cry, while Chrom walked up and glared disapprovingly at the white-haired preteen.

"Henry, that's against the rules. Read the sign," he ordered, pointing to it. It read, _No Shirts. No Shoes. No Frightning Imagery. (We're Looking At You, Henry)_

"Time for a surfing contest!" the judge yelled, abruptly changing the subject. "First off is Terrence Shupt. He's going the long run, but than he totally wipes out! Next is Kellam Karlo! He tries to ride it the chop down...there's a twist-popping knuckle beater...and finally a...a...ok, I'm gonna be honest here. I know nothing about surfing, I'm just making stuff up."

Meanwhile, Aversa was dancing with Lyon when her father called her.

"Yeeesss?" she responded dreamily.

"Umm...how are things going?"

"Absolutely fantastic! This is the best thing that eeeever happened to me..."

"And...you're not at all concerned about what James and his friends are doing?"

"Nope...not at all." Behind her, James laughed maniacally as he rode a giant robotic shark.

"...All right, then. I guess I'm coming home."

Aversa was shocked. "What?! No!" She dashed into the driveway, trying to stall Validar somehow.

...

Back in Dr. Riffrat's underground base, Perry finished punching his nemesis and threw him into a lever, activating the "blow" function of his prototype Blow/Suckinator.

"Well, this _blows!_ Eh, eh? Get it?...yeah, I shouldn't quit my day job. Wait, do I even have one?"

The giant vacuum blasted air at the ceiling (which, when you're underground, is the ground...I guess), forming a small mountain in the waters of the backyard beach.

"Is that a volcano?"

"That's highly unlikely, natural volcanoes take millions of years to form, and this one just-"

"Shut up, Terrence."

Then, the gnomes came.

They shot out of the mountain and rained down upon the beachgoers, who screamed and ran for cover in terror. In the front of the house, Validar and his daughter remained blissfully unaware of the chaos within twenty feet of them.

"Aversa, what is going on?"

"Well, I suppose I'd better tell you...SoJamesandChrombuiltabeachinthebackyardbutIthoughtitwasjustasmalloneinthesandboxbutitturnedouttoberealandhugeandthen..."

Simultaneously, Gangrel got up and repositioned himself, providing Agent P the perfect window of opportunity to kick him into the lever again, this time activating the "suck" function.

"Well, this _sucks!_ Eh, eh?...yeah, I don't know why I keep doing this."

The Blow/Suckinator started to suck in all of the evidence that there had ever been a beach in the Grimaspawn's backyard. Meanwhile, Aversa continued to explain things to her father.

"SoIdecidedto _not_ bustthemjustonceandIgotmeandLyonsmoothiesbutthentherewasacrabandIwonalimbocompetitionandbecamequeenofthebeach..."

The -inator kept sucking. Aversa kept talking.

"Thentherewasasurfingcompetitionwherethejudgeknewnothingaboutsurfinganditwaskindofpatheticbutalsokindoffunny..."

The -inator finished sucking, leaving nothing but a big hole, which Perry climbed out of. Aversa finished talking.

"Please, father, let me continue my reign and spread peace, love, and personal popularity throughout my kingdom!"

"Honey, you're not making any sense. Just...show me where the alleged beach is." Aversa gestured to the backyard. When Validar entered, he saw nothing more than James and his two best friends (and Perry) hanging out in the shade.

Aversa sighed. "Well, at least I got to dance with Lyon." She went inside to change.

"Well, James, did you have fun?"

"Yeah, dad. That was awesome!"

"Well, I'm glad for you. Wow, one O'clock already. Your mother should be out of her Think Room soon. She's planning to make macaroni and cheese for lunch." James pumped his fist as his father returned to the house.

"Mom's mac n'cheese is the best."

"It's a good thing you had that emergency teleportation device on hand," Nowi mentioned.

"Yup, it's great for cleanup."

"But...where did you send all of them?" asked Chrom, somewhat concerned.

"Oh, I'm sure they'll be fine..."

...

Meanwhile, Tharja and the other beachgoers were stranded a quarter of the way up Mount McKinley.

"Curse you, James!"

 **Author's Note:** Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Terror is finished! The poll on my profile for which episode to do next is closing on Thursday, so make sure to vote soon if you plan to!


	10. Raging Self-Styled Tough Guy

Disclaimer: I do not possess the ownership rights to any of the franchises depicted in this fanfic.

...

It was morning on the fourth day of summer vacation, and Aversa was bored. At that moment, her mother entered the room and approached her.

"Hello, Aversa. My book club is meeting at the mall this week; what do you think of you kids coming along?"

"The mall? That's great! I'll be able to visit Lyon at Slushy Dog!" She opened the door to the backyard and called out to James, who was sitting under the tree with Nowi and Chrom. "Mom says that we're going to the mall."

Her brother was shocked and indignant. "NOOOOOOOOO-wait, can Chrom and Nowi come to?"

Aversa turned to Lyria and said, "He wants to know if his friends can come." She nodded, and her daughter yelled back, "She says yes."

"Oh, Ok. I just need to finish first. -OOOOOOOO! I'm done; we can go."

...

In some fifteen minutes, the group arrived at the mall. After they all got inside, Lyria put Aversa in charge and left for her club meeting.

"All right, mom gave us $30, so that's $15 for me and five bucks for each of you."

"What?" Chrom protested. " _Surely_ we could divide the money more evenly than that..." James stopped his friend.

"Just let it slide," he whispered. "You wouldn't like her when she gets authoritarian."

"I. Heard. That. Fortunately for you, I'm too eager to see Lyon to respond to that. We'll meet back here at twelve for lunch, got it?"

"Say, I now notice that one of our company is no longer present. To emphasize that, I would like to sing a song..." James cleared his throat.

"Oh no," his sister said, putting her head in her hands.

" _OH WHERE, OH WHERE HAS MY PERRY GONE? OH WHERE, OH WHERE COULD HE BE?"_

...

Perry, in fact, had gone over to a nearby vending machine, where he pressed the _A_ , _1_ , _B_ , _C_ , and _3_ buttons and a hatch opened in the side of the vending machine. He slid down it and ended up in a room with a giant, ominous looking portal. In a moment, Major Basilio walked up to him, with Ricken in tow.

"Hello, Agent P. Sorry about the mess; your mall hideout is undergoing renovations, so we have to meet in the experimental portal room. Anyway Dr. Riffrat has recently purchased some suspicious items: four helicopter blades, 400 helium balloons, and a whopping 6000 light bulbs. You need to find out what he's up to and stop him." Perry saluted and left.

"So, sir, when do you think R&D will be finished with the portal?"

"Oh, they already finished it."

"Really? Why haven't they used it yet?"

"They're afraid it will summon an illuminati demon."

"...Seriously?"

...

At the food court, James and Nowi were performing an experiment. At that moment, Miriel, who was sitting next to them, asked James a very important question.

"Why are you wearing an ice cream cone on your head?"

Nowi stopped her stopwatch. "3 minutes and 37 seconds."

"Well, that was the most useless thing we have ever done," Chrom added.

Everyone was silent for a moment. Then, James spoke up.

"Why are you studying on summer vacation?"

"It's as good as any other time."

"But...it's summer! No school! No teachers! No big essays assigned on Friday and due on Monday! All you have to worry about are bullies!"

"There are no bullies attending our school."

"What about self-styled tough guys?" Nowi chimed in, just as Vaike came over.

"Hey, hey, hey!" he said, knocking some of Miriel's books onto the floor. "How's it goin', peeps?"

"Nobody thinks you're cool, Vaike," James said.

" _I_ think I'm cool," he retorted as he slurped up the remains of his drink and tried to crush the plastic cup on his head. After failing to do so within a minute, he nonchalantly tossed it behind him. "Sooo...is this table taken?"

Everybody said yes.

"Aw, man! Hey, wait, why are you wearing an ice cream cone?"

Nowi stopped the stopwatch. "1 minute and 28 seconds."

"Great! Anyway, I'm going to get a drink, you guys can deal with Vaike." James walked towards the snack bar.

"So..." Chrom asked. "How's the wrestling team?"

"Oh, it's great! I really like that I have a place where I can hang out with like minded tough guys!"

"Didn't I hear Mark Flex say that you were 'the wimp of the team'?"

"Uhh...moving on..."

James came back with a can of Slick(TM).

"What did I miss?" he asked, putting his unopened drink down on the table. Vaike eagerly snatched it up.

"Ooh, thanks!" He proceeded to rigorously shake the can, blatantly missing the label. "I always like my lemonade shaken, not stirred." When he opened it, however, the soda sprayed right in the face, drenching him. Everybody in the room laughed. That is, except for Chrom (who was worrying of what Vaike's reaction would be), Miriel (who disapproved of mockery), Nowi (who was polite enough to withhold her laughter), and James (who, honestly, didn't care).

Vaike was enraged. "Why didn't you tell me that wasn't lemonade?!"

"I was being polite by not interrupting you."

"Well, you're gonna pay for this! I challenge you to a duel!"

Everyone in the room gasped. James took it like a gentleman. "Very well. The weapon?"

"Thumbs. 12 O'clock, in the mall parking lot."

"Better make it a quarter til. I'm meeting my mom for lunch."

"All right. Don't be late." Vaike stormed off.

There was silence for a moment. Then, Chrom spoke up.

"Well, this promises to end badly."

 **Author's Note:** As you can see, Raging Bully won the poll. Sort of. There was a tie, and I picked this episode over the other. Aside from that, I have another announcement: I will be leaving for vacation this Sunday, and I won't get back until next Thursday. However, I will begin working on the next chapter on the night I return. Anyway, stay safe, and have a good day!


	11. Seriously, What's With Diet Sodas?

Disclaimer: For my disclaimer today, I present-a haiku.

I do not own things.

Such as Fire Emblem and

Phineas and Ferb

...

While Chrom and Nowi trained James for his match with Vaike, Aversa visited Lyon at the Slushy Dog kiosk.

"Ooh, I seem to be receiving a call...whoops, my camera went off!"

"Aversa," said an exasperated Lyon. "No offense, but there's a line." He point to the large crowd of people behind her.

"Oh. In that case, I'll take a small Slushy Burger and a Diet Slick."

"There is no such thing as a Diet Slick."

"Ok, what do you have as Diet?"

"We have Diet Professer Cola."

At that moment, Sully came up to the Slushy Dog patrons and handed them flyers announcing the "Brawl at the Mall".

"Brawl at the Mall. 11:45, today," she declared, handing one to Aversa. She looked at it in indignation.

"What?! James and his friends are _so_ going to get it!" As she stormed off, Terrence and Pedro started to have a delightful conversation.

"What is with people's obsession with diet soda? If it's about caffeine, decaf versions of most sodas exist! In fact, Slick, Slicer, Surf Foamer, and most other lemon-lime sodas don't have any caffeine added in the first place! Is it about sugar? Diet soft drinks usually use fake sugar that's just as unhealthy and even less sweet! In fact..." He paused for a moment, then turned to his friend. "You know, I notice that you haven't told me to shut up yet."

"Meh, I'm with you on this one."

...

In the mall parking lot, Chrom and Miriel were using James's blueprints to build the ring and stands for James and Vaike's match when Aversa stomped up to them.

"What do you think you're doing?! You can't just build a boxing ring in the middle of the mall parking lot!"

"Technically, it's a thumb-wrestling ring-"

"I don't care what it is! I'm going to tell my mother and all of you will be busted!" Aversa sprinted to the book club's meeting room. "Mother, come quick!"

"Not now, dear, we're about to talk about the part where the girl forgives the guy for the cliche misunderstanding...which is technically grammatically incorrect, as the word "cliche" is exclusively a noun, not an adjective..." Aversa groaned. When Lyria started talking about grammar, there was no stopping her until she was finished.

"I need proof...wait a minute, the flyer!" She checked her pockets, realized that she had thrown it away, facepalmed, and dashed out of the room.

"I hear they're adapting this book into a movie," mentioned Tiki, another member of the club.

"Really?"

"Yes, it's supposed to be out this summer."

"Well, I just might see it! I just hope they don't give it a new name, like "That Darn Fiancé" or something cheesy like that."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, that would never happen!"

...

Meanwhile, Agent P sneaked into the abandoned factory where Dr. Riffrat was supposed to be hiding. Inside, a cast-iron cage hung above a big red "X" and a slice of cake. He rolled his eyes glanced around, trying to find his nemesis. To his surprise, a large, red and white (hollow) cylinder of wax fell on him as Gangrel chuckled, revealing himself.

"Ha! How do you like being a candle, Perry the Drakopus? Or should I say, Perry the _Candlepuss?!_ " Nobody laughed. "Yeah, I shouldn't quit my day job," the evil doctor mentioned offhandedly, while a robotic appendage lifted the animal agent off the ground.

"Anyway, the reason the candle you're trapped in is being put on top of a giant cake," Riffrat explained, simultaneous with the candle Agent P was trapped in was being put onto a giant cake. "Is that today is my birthday!" Perry struggled to escape his trap, but to no avail.

"Sadly, my birthday was always the lousiest day of the year...it all began on the day before my 6th birthday..." The doctor drifted into one of his famous tragic backstories.

"I was talking to my adopted brother Jeff about my plans." Within the flashback, a young Gangrel told his brother, "I'm gonna have balloons, and streamers, and invite all my friends!"

"But didn't you uninvite all of them for various minor offenses back in September?"

After a brief pause, he replied, "I don't know any of those big words at the end."

"After my sixth birthday party, at which nobody showed up, my parents wouldn't let me have another one. They said it was 'too much hassle' Well, I have invented a device that completely _eliminates_ the hassle! Behold!" Gangrel shouted as he pushed a button on his remote, revealing his -inator. "My Birthday-Part-Unhasslinator! See this big screen? Anybody who sees it will be mind controlled to do whatever shows up on it! Sayyy...slap yourself!" He typed something on his remote, the words appeared on the screen, and Perry's arm broke through the giant candle and slapped his face.

"Huh..." Dr. Riffrat thought aloud. "Apparently, the physical capabilities of the subject of the Unhasslinator exceeds that of their normal selves. Who knew? Anyway, there are "speed-control" buttons for the most hassle-y birthday jobs: Decorate, Invite Guests, and of course, Clean Up! Anyway," he concluded as he climbed a ladder up to the top of his -inator. "As they say in Mexico, 'No party, no glory!' ...They do say that in Mexico, right?

...

 **Author's Note:** Sorry for getting this in so late, guys. I was planning on writing this chapter yesterday night, but a family friend was visiting, and I stayed up later than normal. Thanks for understanding!

Sincerely~

GravityEmblem


	12. An Eye For An Eye

Disclaimer: You've got to ask yourself one question: do you own Phineas and Ferb/Fire Emblem? Well, do you, punk? (I don't)

...

Inside the abandoned cake factory, Agent P was trapped in a giant candle on top of an enormous birthday cake. Fortunately for him, Dr. Riffrat had made a grave mistake in regards to his trap-he made it out of wax. Perry easily melted it (and, consequently, made a good portion of the cake inedible), called his hovercar to his location, waited 2 minutes, and finally jumped into said hovercar and flew after his nemesis.

...

It was 11:45, and the mall parking lot was packed with bystanders eager to witness James and Vaike's duel. The spectators took their place in the bleachers, the fighters took their place by the ring, and the referee approached the two.

"All right, before you guys duke it out, we should go over the rules. Play fair, have fun, and both thumb wrestlers are forbidden from permanently maiming or injuring their opponent. Oh, and no eye poking. Any questions?"

"Yesterday, you judged the limbo competition AND the surfing competition at the beach we made; today, you're judging, announcing, and refereeing our duel. Do you ever do anything but judge?"

"Not really. In fact, I'm an officially licensed magistrate."

"Huh. What's your name?"

"Jud Judington. My fate was sealed from the day I was born."

Meanwhile, Aversa attempted to retrieve a flyer from Olivia and Sumia, who were running the merchandise shack.

"So what you're telling me is that Sully gave away _all the flyers?!_ "

"She was pretty zealous about it."

"What about the posters?"

"We sold the last one ten minutes ago."

"Action figures?"

"All we had to do was stamp a 'limited edition' logo on there and they sold like hot cakes."

"...8x10 glossy photo?"

"Well, there was a mistake with the printer, and we only got the ones of James."

"...and?"

"Tharja bought them all."

Aversa growled. "Wait a minute...photos! That's it! I'm a genius!" She dashed off to the bleachers.

"I wonder what goes on in her head?" Olivia though aloud.

...

Meanwhile, Perry had just about caught up to Gangrel. He ejected out of his hovercar and prepared to face his nemesis.

"Perry the Drakopus? How did you escape my candle trap? Well, I don't want to see you at my party without a _party hat!_ " Riffrat said as he aimed one at Agent P. It shot towards the animal agent; although he tried to dodge the attack, it landed directly on his beak.

It had no effect.

"What? Well, I suppose it is just paper..." The doctor was interrupted by a precise hit to the nose with one of those rubber stretchy thingies that you always find in party bags. You probably know what I'm talking about, and if you don't, that's ok. All you need to know about them for this story is that you can hit people with it, and it hurts.

...

Back on the ground, James and Vaike began their duel.

"Oh yes, the match has begun! Both competitors stand their ground, but then James makes a strike! Ooh, Vaike catches him in the act, 3-2-1 and pindown! That was an extremely quick first round!" While all of this was happening, Aversa was rapidly taking pictures. When the round was finished, she sprinted over to the book club's meeting room.

"Mother! Photographic evidence!" she shouted, showing the phone to Lyria.

"Aversa, your thumb is in the picture. I can't see anything!"

Aversa growled (louder this time) and ran back to the parking lot.

...

On top of the Birthday-Party-Unhasslinator, Gangrel and Agent P were locked in combat.

"How would you like some _refreshments!?_ " he said as he threw a two-liter bottle of Slick at his nemesis. Perry effortlessly dodged it and the unopened soft drink began to fall to the ground.

...

Speaking of ground, on it, James' seconds (Nowi and Chrom) were helping him prepare for the next round.

"My thumb still hurts..." he groaned.

"Well, you can't back down now!" Chrom insisted. "It's not like some way to make feel that you two are even is going to fall out of the sky!" As soon as he finished saying it, the bottle of Slick landed bottom-down on the asphalt. "Did that just happen?" he asked incredulously. "Did that really just happen?"

"Oh, look!" James said in a loud enough voice that Vaike could hear. "A bottle of soda has appeared seemingly out of nowhere! I think I will have a drink!" He opened the Slick and was promptly sprayed with the lemon-lime soft drink. His would-be-opponent burst out in laughter.

"Oh man, that was priceless! I can get why you guys were making fun of me! Consider us even!" he finished, patting James on on the back a little too hard.

"And with that anticlimactic but heartfelt conclusion, we end today's Brawl at the Mall event! Have a great day, everyone!" Jud took a bow and left the mall.

...

Back on top of the Birthday-Party-Unhasslinator, Agent P threw a large present at his nemesis. He dodged it, but the projectile hit the pole connecting the helicopter blade to the main -inator and knocked it out of alignment. Thinking quickly, Riffrat grabbed his (normal sized) birthday cake and jumped down a hatch into an escape pod.

"Farewell, Perry the Drakopus!" he shouted as the pod ejected. "Looks like I _can_ have my cake, and eat it, too!" Then the force from the launch caused the dessert to fly into his face, splattering all over his emergency escape vehicle. "Or...not. I guess."

The Unhasslinator fell into the parking lot and activated its "Clean Up" speed-control feature, mind-controlling the audience to pick up and carry away the announcer's table, the ring, and the stands, while Chrom and Vaike looked on in shock. (and James and Nowi looked on not in shock)

"Not my usual method for cleanup, but it'll do."

Aversa dashed into the parking lot, only to find it empty, to her indignation. "NOoOoO!" she screamed.

"Well, it's 11:50 now, we should be meeting my mom for lunch," James informed his friends. "You want to come, Vaike?"

"Sure! You guys are cool with me!" They walked together to the mall food court, experiencing delightful (if cheesy) camaraderie.

...

Meanwhile, at city hall, Mayor Jeff Riffrat was administrating an awards ceremony.

"Today, we gather here to recognize the importance of the work that this women has done. To Setina Key, for coming up with the new design for the Key to the City, I award-" He was interrupted by Dr. Riffrat careening out of control in his escape pod above the crowd of people attending the ceremony.

"...Gangrel?"

" _It's official! You're uninvited to my **next** birthday party!_"

 **Author's Note:** Four down, only a hundred to go! I'm making some pretty good progress with this fanfic so far! The next chapter will be an original episode, one based around a certain nerdy pastime that I throughly enjoy: Roleplaying Games!


	13. A New Edition

Disclaimer: I do not own stuff. Please don't hurt me.

...

It was the 5th day of summer vacation, and James was lying in bed, awake. He turned over, checked his clock (which read 10:37), yawned, and went back under the covers. To him, this was shaping out to be a lazy, average Wednesday.

Then, he realized it was Wednesday.

"Yes!" James shouted as he threw off his comforter and began to twirl around the room. "Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!"

" _What are you yelling about!?_ " Aversa yelled, barging into the room.

"Today is the release of the new 6th edition of Caverns and Krakens!"

"...I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Caverns and Krakens! C&K, for short. It's one of the earliest and most famous RPGs of all time!"

"So...it's a video game?"

"No! It's a Tabletop Roleplaying Game! You create your character, get together with...oh never mind; my explanation is wasted on you."

"Man, you're such a nerd."

"Flattery won't make me explain it to you."

...

After James had breakfast, he returned to his room so he could play video games until his pre-ordered starter pack arrived. He was an avid gamer, and had amassed a wide array of games and consoles. The two that were currently hooked up to his tv were his Crescendo Morph and his Ybox 3 N. After about an hour of Thunder the Porcupine gameplay, the doorbell rang.

"Finally!" he exclaimed before rushing down the stairs. He opened the door to retrieve his package.

"Delivery for James Grimaspawn," the Nile delivery guy declared.

"That would be me."

"Aren't you a little...young to be ordering things online?"

"I didn't do it myself, you know," James retorted as he took the cardboard box and walked over to his living room. The delivery man shrugged and went back to his truck.

...

In 30 minutes, James had read the Player's Guide, Delve Master's Handbook, and the Creature Collection, and invited over Chrom, Nowi, Miriel, and Vaike.

"All right, I've come up with an adventure plan already; you guys can think of character concepts, and I'll help you with the details! Nowi, you go first."

"All right. I'll be Navia Mani! An Elven Draconic Sorcerer who specializes in polymorph spells!" she declared with a flourish.

"And I'll be...a Paladin, I guess...a prince...yeah, he leads a group of soldiers who protect his country from ruffians and bandits," Chrom added.

"All right, that can be the premise of the adventure. How about you two?" James answered, turning to Miriel and Vaike.

"Well, I shall play as an experienced Wizardess, who delves deep into the study of yet-unmastered magic."

"And I'll be a Fighter! He's...uh...he's got an axe!"

"Hmm..." their groups DM said. "You've got two frontliners and two arcane spellcasters, but no divine ones."

"Where are we going to get someone who wants to be a Cleric?"

Tharja stuck her head through the open window. "Right across the street," she replied. James groaned, but then shook his head.

" _Fine._ Now, what's your domain?"

"Love. Definitely love."

"So...now that we have the basic concepts done, does anyone have any questions?"

"Yeah," said Vaike, who was raising his hand. "Where's Perry?"

...

At that particular moment, Perry was sneaking into the Grimaspawn family's bathroom. He locked the door, took out his hat, and pressed a button. His commanding officer appeared on the screen that lit up inside his 40's style fedora.

"Hello Agent P. What do you think of your new hat screen? Ricken was actually the one who came up with it."

"I got the idea from an episode of Backyardigains!" the young intern cheerfully elaborated.

"...Anywho, Dr. Riffrat has bought an electromagnetic surge generator. Your mission: find out what he's up to, and stop it!"

Perry saluted, opened the sink, and jumped down it into his hovercar. Meanwhile, Validar stood outside the door in his bathrobe, looking exasperated.

"When can I expect you to be done in there?...Is there even anyone in there?...Oh, never mind, I'll use the master bath."

...

 **Author's Note:** I don't have much to say about this particular chapter. I'm not _extremely_ happy with it, but I'm not sure how I would improve it. Anyway, I hope you all had an amazing Christmas (or other winter holiday), and I wish you a happy New Year!


	14. In Which I Don't Have Any Comments

Disclaimer:

Me: I shall now cast a helpful spell that will prevent me from being sued or otherwise impeded due to a lack of a disclaimer. _Protection From Law!_

Magic Mouth: GravityEmblem does not own Fire Emblem or Phineas and Ferb! Please enjoy the chapter!

...

After James's group had finalized their characters, they followed their DM to his backyard.

"All right, before we start the game, we need to set a 3D holofield, so I can display the scene," James declared.

"Couldn't we just use our imaginations?" Chrom asked.

"Well, then, you would _wrong._ And if we're going for a 'the game in real life' format, you guys need to get costumes, as well. Nowi, do the Fireside Girls need their Sewing patches?"

"No, but we haven't had the opportunity to work on our Psuedo-Medival Fantasy Costume Designing patch since...well, ever."

"Great! You can do that, while I call the electronics store. I've heard they're doing a two-for-one on holographic projectors."

"Does price really matter?" Tharja wondered aloud. "I mean, the city government pays for all your building supplies."

"Technically, they give us a $2000 budget," clarified Nowi.

"Per month?" Vaike asked.

"Per _week._ "

Miriel reacted with mild confusion. "One has to wonder how the city council manages to maintain a stable treasury."

"Well, we help out quite a bit with construction and stuff," Chrom said, shrugging.

"Yeah! I got to demolish a building!" mentioned James.

Henry's head popped up from the fence. "Boy, are you lucky!"

...

Meanwhile, Agent P jumped out of his hovercar and into Dr. Riffrat's penthouse. The second his feet touched the floor, a cast iron cage fell from the ceiling, trapping him.

"What do you think of my trap, Perry the Drakopus?" Gangrel said as he evilly stroked FinFace's fishbowl. (FinFace was in there, by the way) "I decided to go with the classics this time. Anyway, now for my evil scheme!" he exclaimed as he set down his pet. "You see, this morning, my brother announced the unveiling of the new VR holographic city design interface-also known as VRH-CDI. I don't know how they got it done in just a week; they said they had some kids helping them, but it's obviously a trick to throw off the competitors. I mean, how could _children_ get that done so quickly?"

Perry glanced briefly at the camera.

 _"Anyway,_ in order to interrupt the ceremony and damage my brother's reputation, I have created..." Agent P's nemesis paused dramatically, then revealed his latest invention. "...the Holodisruptinator! It overloads any holographic generator with an electromagnetic charge, causing it to cease its projection!...and possibly explode."

The doctor pulled out a piece of paper. "Let's see, what's next on my evil scheme checklist...trap Perry, unveil Holodisruptinator...ah! Wait for ceremony. Well, I can get started on that right now!" He started waiting for the ceremony. After a few minutes, he turned to his nemesis. "This step could take a while."

...

In half an hour, James and his friends had set up the holographic generator and got into their costumes. Chrom wore silver armor and a gray cape, and carried a golden sword; Miriel dressed in a dark brown robe with dark yellow lining and a large, pointed hat; Tharja wore black and gold robes and cloak; Nowi had on green boots, a light robe, and her signature purple cape; Vaike wore bronze shoulder and elbow pads, a fake rubber chest (with lots of muscles), and carried an axe.

"This outfit is, uh...kind of awkward," Chrom remarked.

" _I_ like mine," Tharja rebutted.

"Personally, the robes are somewhat uncomfortable, but the hat is very nice."

"All right, people!" James said loudly. "Let's get this adventure started!"

...

Meanwhile, Aversa was talking on the phone with Idoun.

"My brother apparently pre-ordered this game set. _Pre-ordered!_ And now he's playing it with all his little friends! ...and Tharja. How nerdy can you get?!" she said, laughing.

...

On the other end, Idoun heard one of her friends calling her.

"Hey, Idoun! It's Aria's turn in combat!" She turned back to her conversation with Aversa.

"Listen, I'm probably not the best person to talk about this to. Call Petrine, or something, Ok?" She hung up and returned to her game.

...

Aversa looked at her cell phone in mild indignation. "What was that all about? Oh well." She started to call Petrine, as her friend suggested, but something caught her eye.

Said something was James's gaming setup in the backyard.

After taking a moment to gasp, then recollect herself, Aversa wasted no time rushing into the backyard.

"What do you think you're _doing!?_ " she demanded of James.

"We're using a 3D holographic interface in order to display the scene for the new game of Caverns & Krakens, 6th edition that I am running for my friends. (and Tharja)," he replied.

Everyone was silent for a moment. Then, James spoke up.

"I thought it was obvious."

"No, it is _not_ obvious! I am going to tell mother what is going on, right now!" Aversa sprinted into the house to inform Lyria of her brother's shenanigans.

"So, I take it she _doesn't_ want to join us," Tharja remarked.

"Thank goodness."

 **Author's Note:** The first update of 2018! You can consider two updates (this and New Generation) to be a late New Year's gift (and an apology for not posting recently) to you guys!


	15. An Anticlimactic Conclusion

Disclaimer: I don't own stuffs! So don't think I do.

...

All of James' friends got into position, and he started the adventure he had planned.

"While you and your team are patrolling Lissania's borders, you hear screaming and shouting."

"I gaze in the direction of the screams."

"You see that a nearby village is ablaze: likely because of Zegrien bandits who have been troubling your country recently."

"Why does this seem so familiar?" Chrom wondered.

...

Meanwhile, Aversa rushed to the master bedroom and tried to open it. When she discovered that it was locked, she pounded at the door and yelled at her mother. After waiting several seconds for a reply, she put her ear to the door and heard loud snores coming from inside the room.

"Typical," she muttered. Aversa whipped out her cell phone and dialed Validar's number.

"Father!" she exclaimed.

Validar sighed. "What is it this time, Aversa?"

"James and his friends have built a giant holographic thingymajig and dressed up in these weird costumes so they can play their...their nerd game!"

"Look, Aversa, if you can provide me with _photographic evidence_ , I will consider coming home." He hung the phone, and Aversa sprinted into the backyard, snapped several photos, and sent them to her father. She received a call momentarily.

"Yes! Victory is in my grasp!" She answered the phone.

"Aversa, I don't see any 'holograms'."

"What?! How?!" She looked outside at her brother.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention: the holograms don't appear on any reproductions," he clarified.

Aversa growled. "I'm telling the truth, Father!" she yelled into the phone. "I'm going to bring you home and show you!" She ran off toward Validar's antiques shop.

James turned back to his game. "Now, where were we?"

"Me and Vaike decided to investigate the mysterious noises. I make a listen check to attempt to detect where it's coming from."

Chrom rolled his 20-sided die. "Let's see, 10, plus my bonuses...14!"

"That's a pass. You lead Vaike to the source of the noise: a huge portal in the sky. Before you can do anything, three Risen jump out of the hole in spacetime!"

"What's a 'Risen'?" Vaike inquired.

"It's a corpse reanimated with dark magic."

"So...it's a zombie?"

"No, it's a Risen, ok? Not a zombie."

"I don't get the difference."

"Just...roll with it, ok?"

...

Meanwhile, at Dr. Riffrat's penthouse, the doctor himself was checking the time while simultaneously looking off the balcony at city hall.

"Any minute now..." he said, as Perry secretly attached his hat the the top of the cage, pressed a button, and watched as a laser activated and cut a clean hole in Gangrel's trap. Right before Agent P hopped out, his nemesis noticed that his brother was beginning the ceremony.

"And now," Mayor Jeff said. "May I proudly present, the virtual reality holographic city design interface!" He pulled back the sheet and revealed the innovative invention.

"Perfect, now, right when he demonstrates the VRH-CDI, I'll activate my Holodisruptinator and-" Gangrel didn't get to finish his sentence before Perry catapulted into him. The evil scientist retaliated by throwing a wrench, which his nemesis easily dodged. It did, however, hit his invention, which proceeded to rapidly fire in various different directions.

...

Meanwhile, Aversa dashed into her father's antique store.

"Father! I need you to come with me!"

"Aversa, I'm rather busy right now. Plus, didn't I tell you not to bring me home if you didn't have photographic evidence?"

"No, you just sighed frustratedly and said you'd consider coming if I gave you some. Now, come on!" She grabbed Validar's hand and dragged him in the direction of their house.

"Store's closed!" he shouted hurriedly.

"Ah, man. I was hoping I could look at this _other_ archaic relic from the distant past!" said a young boy.

"Balthazar," his exasperated mother replied. "This is a Crescendo GameKid that someone took to the Lost and Found. It is less than _25_ years old!"

...

In a few minutes, Aversa and her father had reached their house. Validar waited on the driveway while his daughter ran to the back to check on her brother and his friends. To her surprise and delight, James's holographic field was still active.

"Yes! It hasn't magically disappeared!" she cried as she sprinted back to the driveway and dragged Validar to their yard. Simultaneously, James was continuing his explanation of his holo-field's capabilities.

"And, if you press this button, it instantly reverts to an easily portable cube!" He proceeded to press the button and instantly revert his invention into a portable cube, just as his sister and father entered the yard.

"WHAT?! NOOOOO!" Aversa lamented. Her father, on the other hand, calmly walked up to his son.

"So...why are you wearing costumes?"

"We're roleplaying!"

"Fair enough. Remember, we're leaving for your grandparent's cabin tomorrow morning, so I'm waking you up at seven," he added as he went back inside the house.

Meanwhile, James turned to his friends.

"So, what did you think of the game, guys?" he asked.

"It was possibly the most _boring_ thing we have ever done," Chrom answered.

"Wait, really? You guys didn't like it?"

"Well, it's fine," elaborated Tharja. "The concept and story were great, but the method left a lot to be desired."

"It's kind of impractical for us to meet here and set this all up on a regular basis."

"Yeah, and not only that," Vaike added. "I mean, do we really have to wear these funny costumes?"

"Personally, I find myself with an astonishingly high aptitude for my outfit's accompanying hat. Do you mind if I keep it?"

"Go ahead. All right, here's my idea," James explained, going back to addressing the group. "I'll set up an online forum, where we can continue this campaign in a Play-by-Post format, posting at our leisure. Sound good?"

Everybody agreed on that solution. As the group all returned home and changed out of their costumes, Perry did the same, although in an opposite order.

"Oh, there you are, Perry." James remarked. "I wonder what you got up to today."

...

Meanwhile, Dr. Riffrat was sitting down in his lair, dazed, with an inner tube shoved over his head.

"I still don't know what happened," he said to no one in particular.

...

 **Author's Note:** Everyone, I sincerely apologize for updating so late. I suppose I just got...burned out from writing, one could say. However, I kept at it, worked on it little by little, and here you have it. Not my best piece of work, but I'm satisfied with the ending. Expect new chapters to be less common, but rest assured, I have not forgotten this fanfic.


	16. In Which A Future Episode Is Referenced

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phineas and Ferb, Fire Emblem, or Bigfoot. Especially not Bigfoot.

...

The metaphorical clock struck 10 on the sixth day of summer vacation, and James, his family, Chrom, Nowi, Miriel, and Vaike were riding to the cabin of James' grandma and grandpa. Every June, Validar and Lyria would drop off their children (and any friends who wanted to come along) for two days while they attended the nearby annual antiques convention (affectionately referred to as AnAntCon), join them on the third day, and return home on the fourth. It was a ritual the Grimaspawn's had kept for half a decade, and while James still wasn't tired of it, Aversa certainly was.

"Ugh, it's the same thing year after year," she groaned.

"Come on," James replied. "We made t-shirts and everything!" He pulled it out and showed it to her.

"'Camp Grimaspawn'? Ok, I'll have you know that it is **not** a camp. Second, I don't like the outdoors, bugs, dirt, anything gross like that."

"Well, neither do I, but I'm still enjoying myself!"

"Wait," Vaike interrupted. "How could he enjoy himself if he doesn't like the outdoors?"

"What he is attempting to express is that he won't let his disgust for many aspects of nature prevent him from appreciating it."

"...I'll just take your word for it."

Aversa groaned. "Ugh...Mom, do I _have_ to go to grandma and grandpa's?"

"Personally, I think they need some company once in a while. Plus, you can help them keep an eye on James and his friends."

"If you _really_ don't want to go," Validar said dryly. "You can join us at AnAntCon. This year's keynote speech: the definite comparison of shellac vs. lacquer."

"...Can I have a shirt?" James handed one to his sister, who promptly buried her face in it.

" _WHY?!"_

...

Lyria pulled up to Grandma and Grandpa Grimaspawn's cabin momentarily. James and Aversa's Grandpa Clyde greeted them and their friends (well, James' friends) as they exited the van.

"Hey, kids! And James!" he said enthusiastically, holding up Perry. "You seem a lot shorter than the last time I saw you..."

"Grandpa, that's Perry!" he giggled.

"Really? Huh. Guess I need to get my glasses checked!" He rapidly flipped them off and on the bridge of his nose.

"Yup! That, or you're going senile."

Everyone was silent for a moment. Then, James, Clyde, and his Grandma Betty all burst out into laughter. Aversa facepalmed, And Chrom just scratched his head.

"Thanks again for having the kids over," Lyria greeted her mother.

"Oh, I'm just happy to see them," Betty replied. "It gets a bit lonely up here, and we enjoy the company."

"In any case," Validar said as he moved to the back of the van to unpack James' luggage. "We're very grateful." He opened the trunk to the sight of Henry and Tharja's cheerful and blasè (respectively) faces.

"Yay! We're finally here!"

"Just in time, too. I just ate the last skull cracker." The two hopped onto the grass, to the Grimaspawns' astonishment.

"How...when did you get in there?!" Validar sputtered.

"We snuck in when you stopped for gas."

"Do your parents know you're here?" worriedly asked Lyria.

"Yup! We asked permission and everything!"

"They don't know we aren't invited, but, I digress."

Validar contemplated his options. "Well, we can't call them to pick you two up. There's no cell service up here. We can take them back ourselves, although we'll miss a good part of the antiques convention."

"Oh, it's ok, Validar," reassured Betty. "We can look after two extra kids. You just go and enjoy all that old furniture." Lyria thanked her mother and, together with her husband, set off for AnAntCon.

"Hello, James," Tharja said. "I came all the way here to see you. Surprised?"

"No."

Clyde clapped his hands together. "All right, all you whippersnappers! Let's skedaddle over to the campfire to fix us some vittles!"

James checked his pockets. "Hmm, I seem to have misplaced my grandpa-English dictionary. Miriel, you speak old-fashioned, right?"

She nodded and gladly translated. "He said that we should join him at the campfire to cook some food."

"Thank you. Now, we should probably go grab Perry. Hey, wait a minute..." Everyone looked around for the Grimaspawn family pet, but to no avail.

"Eh, he'll show up. Now, let's see what kind of "vittles" grandpa had in mind."

"I hope he has tomato soup! That's my favorite, because-"

"It looks like blood. We know."

...

Meanwhile, Perry approached a tree, scanned the area, donned his fedora, and knocked on the tree's trunk. A microphone sprung from a knothole, and Agent P pulled off his hat, pressed a button, and played a few notes of his theme song. After a hatch opened up in the tree, the animal agent hopped down and ended up in his lair, covered in cobwebs.

"Good morning, Agent P," greeted Major Basilio. "Sorry about the mess, we haven't used this tunnel in years. Not since I was at...the academy." He stared forlornly into the distance as Ricken came onto the screen.

"I... _think_ he's having a flashback. Look, you can see the ripples." Perry's superior arose momentarily.

"Wha-? Oh, was I having a flashback? Sorry. Anyway, Dr. Riffrat has been seen hiding out at his evil woodland retreat nearby. Your mission is to find out what he's up to and stop it."

Agent P saluted and began to make his way to Gangrel's retreat, while Basilio went back to his flashback.

 _But Daddy, I don't want to go to the academy!_

 _Basilio, I'm not going to be leaving you. In fact, I'm a teacher there._

 _Exactly!_

...

 **Author's Note:** Again, I don't have much to say about this chapter. I'm very satisfied with it, though. In fact, I think it's some of my best work.


	17. Why Not To Bring A Pet On The First Date

Disclaimer: I don't own Phineas and Ferb, Fire Emblem, or Grandpa Clyde's Bigfoot Song. They belong to Disney, Nintendo, and Grandpa Clyde, respectively.

...

After Clyde served James and his friends "vittles", they turned the discussion to campfire songs.

"If we have a campfire, we should sing some campfire songs, right?" Chrom reasoned. "Mr. Clyde-"

"Grandpa Clyde is fine."

"All right then. Do you know any good ones, Grandpa Clyde?"

"As a matter of fact, I do. One of my favorites was a little ditty about the legendary Sasquatch. We called it " _He's Bigfoot."_

"But, you just said he was the Sasquatch," Vaike said, scratching his head.

"Do you remember any of this song?" inquired Miriel. In response, Clyde pulled out a banjo and began to strum it.

"I think he remembers."

 _He's Bigfoot, he's Bigfoot!_

 _He'll eat you with his taters and his greens!_

"What are 'taters'?" Vaike wondered.

 _He's Bigfoot, he's Bigfoot!_

 _Cause to Bigfoot you're a fleshy tangerine!_

"Wow. Gruesome much?"

 _He always goes barefoot so he can stomp ya._

 _He carries a big stick so he can whomp ya._

 _He sharpens up his teeth so he can chomp ya._

"Cool!"

 _So I'd say that you should flee, cause you know that heeeeeee's..._

"A cryptid? A legend? A scientific enigma?"

Nope! _He's Bigfoot, he's Bigfoot!_

 _He bathes in the water that you drink._

"That's disgusting."

 _He's Bigfoot, he's Bigfoot!_

 _Watch out cause he's closer than you think!_

"Well, I'm feeling nice and paranoid, now," said a deadpan James.

"Oh, you don't have to be scared, son. Bigfoot's just an old legend. Even if he was real, he's definitely not malicious."

"No, I mean about him bathing in our drinking water."

"Ah...can't really help you there."

James shuddered.

...

Meanwhile, Aversa was at the top of a tree, trying in vain to get a cell signal.

"Ugh...why is there no connection up here?"

"We never really found a need for 'cell phones' or 'internet'," Grandma Betty explained. "How about you try to do what we did: find wonder in the world of nature all around you?"

"'Find wonder'? All right; I _wonder_ how I'm going to avoid being bored to death over the next three days?"

"Well, suit yourself. We'll be making stick figures...with real sticks!"

Aversa sighed. "No offense, but I really wish _I_ could leave...with...I don't know how to finish that sentence."

...

Simultaneously, Perry kicked open the door to Riffrat's vacation home, and Grangrel himself started to panic in the other room.

"Huh?! Oh, you're early, I haven't finished-" He stopped himself once he realized he was talking to his nemesis.

"Oh, thank evilness it's just you Perry the Drakopus. You see, I thought you were my date."

The animal agent looked briefly looked to the side.

"I decided to take a week off to dabble in online dating. Now-I know what you're thinking, but I'm just testing the waters. Nothing too big. Anyway, I'm meeting someone tonight, so do you think you could-"

Grangrel was interrupted by the ring of his doorbell.

"Oh no! She's here, and she can't know I have a nemesis! You can act like a mindless animal, right?"

Perry removed his hat, dropped on all fours, and crossed his eyes.

"Huh? Where did Perry the Drakopus go? Well, I better answer the door." He strode hastily to the front door and opened it to the sight of his date.

"Hello! MrWormyWorm, I presume?"

"Wha-? Oh, right, my username. Yup...that's me."

"Well, it's nice to finally meet you. Oh!" Grangrel's date said as she noticed Perry, walked up to him, and picked him up. "You are just the _cutest thing!_ Is he your pet?" she asked the doctor.

"Yup, he was, uh, just going outside for his...nightly walk."

"Really? _Ooh, you need you're exercise, don't you? Don't you, you cute widdle-_ what is he, again?"

"He's a drakopus, a rare type of reptile with webbed feet. And, uh, they can breath-"

" _Ooh, the cute widdle drakopus needs his exercise, doesn't he?"_

Grangrel sighed and facepalmed.

...

Later that night, Grandma and Grandpa Grimaspawn gathered all the kids (and Aversa) by the campfire to cook s'mores and hot dogs. Chrom painstakingly ensured that his marshmallows didn't burn; Nowi ate all the ones that _did_ end up burning; Henry repeatedly tried and failed to eat a burning marshmallow before it burned up; Vaike was having trouble deciding on whether to eat another hot dog or a s'more; Miriel and Tharja just sat down and ate their food. Finally, after polishing off his third hot dog, James brought the subject to scary stories.

"Since we have a campfire, we should abide by the tradition and tell some, right?"

"Yeah!" shouted everyone except Aversa, who groaned "Lame."

"I'd like to go first," he declared. "Now, for my retelling of the famous legend of... **Bloody Mary!** " Chrom shuddered, while Henry just smiled.

"Ah, Bloody Mary. An oldie, but a goody!"

Aversa sighed at her brother. "You do realize that _everybody_ here has already heard this story, right?"

"Well, I wouldn't say _everybody_."

"Sorry Grandma, but I have to disagree. Anyone who _hasn't_ heard this story before, raise your hand."

Everyone except Henry raised their hand.

"Huh. I stand corrected."

James cleared his throat and called for attention. "Now, if I may: the story! Once upon a time, there was an evil queen," he said menacingly.

"Hmm. This is different to how I remember it."

"This queen was so bloodthirsty, she would often kill one of her own citizens for practically no reason. In fact, she killed so many, her subjects called her 'Bloody Mary'."

"This seems familiar, somehow."

"Eventually, as all humans must do, she died...and them her sister, Elizabeth, became Queen of England."

"Wait a minute!" shouted Aversa. "Are you doing a historical lecture?"

"Well, yes," her brother answered. "All of it's true, by the way. Mary I (not to be confused with Mary, Queen of the Scots) was infamous for her violence against Protestant subjects during her rule, giving her the nickname-"

"Nobody wants to hear about _history_ in a scary story!" she retorted.

"Why not? You hear a lot of screams in high school Social Studies!"

Nowi played a makeshift rim shot on the log she was sitting on.

...


	18. Campfire Fun

Disclaimer: Remember when these were interesting? Yeah, me neither.

...

Back at Grangrel's summer retreat, his date was not going well, to say the least.

"You are just the _cutest thing!_ " his date (the person, not the event) cooed at Perry.

"You know, some say we look alike," Dr. Riffrat said offhandedly.

"Really?"

"Yeah, he has my nose."

After staring intently at his alleged pet, his would-be girlfriend answered, "No, not really. _Not really at all, you cute little Drakopus!_ "

The doctor sighed. "What about your cucumber water? I know it's your favorite, because I read it on your profile."

"You know, MrWormyWorm was a lot less needy online."

"...I'm going onto the porch." Grangrel stepped outside, and his date went back to coddling Perry. He took a sip of his drink and immediately spit it out. "What was I thinking?" he asked himself. "I hate cucumber! Man, I just never have any luck with the ladies, do I?"

...

"...and then they discovered that the head was still alive! Well, for about ten minutes, and it couldn't say anything," James said, concluding another "historical horror story".

"That was _so boring,_ " Aversa groaned in response.

"Actually, I found his dramatic retelling of horrific events in world-" Miriel was cut off by a growl from Aversa.

"If you won't tell an _actual_ scary story, I will," she declared. "It's about... _bigfoot!_ " Everyone oohed. "Stop oohing! Now: one day, long ago..." Before she could continue, a humongous growl from an enormous, brown-furred creature interrupted her.

"...He's right behind me, isn't he?" Aversa said dryly. Everyone nodded fearfully and joined her in running back to the tents screaming, leaving only Grandma and Grandpa Grimaspawn behind, sitting on the logs.

...

Meanwhile, Grangrel was sitting forlornly on his porch when he heard the cries of James and his group.

"Children screaming? Is this a late birthday present from the universe?" Unfortunately, he fell off the balcony and into a bush while trying to identify the source of the noise. While she was continuing to pet and coo at Perry, his date heard the noise and looked up in alarm.

"What was that?" she wondered. "I better go investigate." She set Agent P down and walked onto the porch just as Grangrel was climbing up onto it. Sadly, thanks to the leaves and branches covering him, he wasn't recognized by his date.

"Ahhh! Bigfoot!" she cried.

"Bigfoot? Where-oof!" Before Dr. Riffrat could explain himself, he fell off the balcony again thanks to a slap from his date.

"Wait, was that you, MrWormyWorm?" she asked bemusedly as she looked over the edge of the porch. Agent P, on the roof and ready to escape at a moment's notice, shrugged and jumped down onto the forest floor.

"Oh, _there_ you are, Perry the Drakopus!" his nemesis exclaimed, noticing him. "You missed the date (and that other Drakopus), but I daresay you made the right choice by bailing." The animal agent just rolled his eyes and left.

...

Simultaneously, Aversa snuck back out to the campfire.

"Wow, we sure showed them," she said to her grandparents, suppressing a giggle.

"Well, I'm glad you found a way to enjoy yourself out here in the woods. I had a lot of fun, too!" Betty responded.

"So, Aversa, how did you and Betty do it?" asked Clyde, who wasn't involved in the prank.

"You see, I'd actually been preparing the costume for a couple of weeks," his wife elaborated. "but I didn't know when or how I would pull the prank off, let alone find someone to wear it."

"That's where I came in," Aversa explained further. "I suggested that I could start it off by starting to tell a Bigfoot story. I think it added to the shock factor!"

"I see, but I still have two questions. First, why didn't you wear the Bigfoot suit, Betty?"

"I tried that out when I finished it, but when I did, it just dangled all over the place. I decided it would be easier for two people to control it."

"Well, that leads into my next question: who _was_ wearing the suit?"

As if to answer him, Henry and Tharja returned to the campfire, with the former carrying the headpiece of the costume. "Mind if keep this puppy?" he asked.

"I'm glad you now have a rudimentary understanding of common expressions," Tharja noted, remembering the first day of vacation.

"Hmm? Oh, I was talking this baby dog I found when we were getting out of these costumes."

Everyone was silent for a moment. Then, Betty said, "Hey, looks like Jeanie's had her litter."

"Oh, I was kind of wondering where she went," Aversa added.

...

The next morning, Aversa let James and all his friends know that last night's "Bigfoot" was just a prank.

"You should have seen your faces!" she laughed. "Only immature minds like yours would believe in monsters like Bigfoot! It takes a mature adult such as myself to realize that cryptids are nothing more than exaggerated figments of peoples imaginations."

"I guess I agree with you," James replied nonchalantly. "but I'd like to point out that you didn't include historical figures in that description."

"What do you mean, 'historical figures'?"

Meanwhile, Tharja snuck up behind her wearing a black Victorian-era dress, an excessive amount of fake blood, and carrying an ax.

"Boo."

Aversa screamed and ran away.

"Thanks for the revenge scare, Tharja," her brother said.

"Anything for you James," she replied sweetly.

"...Remind me to never ask you a favor again."

Just then, Agent P returned to the cabin in his pet disguise.

"Oh, there you are, Perry!" Nowi noted.

"Why is he covered in lipstick?" Chrom questioned.

"Maybe he's a part-time secret agent, and it's from the archetypal femme-fatal character."

"Eh, not likely."

...

 **Author's Note:** Another episode finished. When I first started writing it, I didn't think it would be this long, but it ended up surprising me. The next episode to be adapted will be The Ballad of Badbeard, followed by Last Train to Bustville. After we finally finish the Grandma and Grandpa Grimaspawn Visiting Arc, I'll do another original episode. Suggestions for the theme are welcome! (Translation: I have no idea what the theme will be)


	19. Aversa's Moss Trip

Disclaimer: Arrr, mateys! I be havin' many valuables in me treasure chest, but the ownership rights to Fire Emblem and Phineas and Ferb not be one o' them!

(What have I come to)

...

"All right, kids, time for vittles!" Grandpa Clyde called out, ringing his dinner bell. James and all his friends (as well as Henry and Tharja) rushed to the campfire for breakfast. Aversa, however, was notably absent.

"Say, James, do you know where your sister went off to?"

"I think she ran into the woods after Tharja jumpscared her."

"Ah. Well, she can't have gotten far. I'll go fetch her before we start cooking." While he left to look for Aversa, the rest of the group congregated at the campfire. In a few minutes, Clyde returned with his granddaughter in tow.

"I am not amused," she said to Tharja dryly.

"Hey, just because you don't appreciate a good scare doesn't mean you have to take it out on me personally."

"Oh, of course. _Heaven forbid_ I desecrate the noble sport of scaring."

"...I could do without the sarcasm."

"Anyway," Grandpa Clyde said, moving the subject away from Aversa and Tharja's argument. "Who's ready to get cooking?" Everybody cried "Us!"

...

After a satisfying breakfast of "franks", as James' grandpa called them, the topic returned to old legends.

"We know about Bigfoot, but what other tales do you have to spin?"

"Well, they used to tell a story about the famous pirate Badbeard 'round these parts. Coincidentally, we're going on a nature hike to Badbeard Lake today. They say that's where he buried his treasure."

"Really?" Miriel questioned, adjusting her glasses. "Storing treasure within the depths of a lake seems to be a terribly impractical way of keeping them for later use."

"Well, he didn't hide it _in_ the lake, per se. He actually did so on Spleen Island, in the middle of Badbeard Lake."

"That just raises another question; namely, why would anyone name an island after an obscure organ?"

"Um...he named it that because it was where he had his First Mate's spleen surgically removed for trying to take over the ship."

"Cool!" cried a child who, by now, you can almost definitely discern the identity of.

"Now, there's actually a song about Badbeard. It's called, 'The Ballad of Badbeard.'"

"Do you remember any of it, Grandpa Clyde?" asked Chrom. In response, he pulled out a concertina and played a few notes on it.

"I think he remembers," whispered Vaike.

 _Arr arr arr arr_

 _This is the Ballad of Badbeard,_ Clyde sang.

 _Arr arr arr arr_

 _This is the Ballad of Badbeard!_ all (or, most) of the kids sang along.

Clyde suddenly stopped playing. After being stared at by expectant faces, he admitted, "OK, so it's not _that_ much of a song. Anyway," he added. "we'll leave on the trail in ten minutes, so make sure you have everything you need for the hike before then!"

...

In about fifteen minutes, Grandpa and Grandma Grimaspawn, along with Aversa and all the kids, were walking down the trail to Badbeard Lake. As Betty was pointing out the different birds that lived in the forest, Clyde was warning the kids of the orange moss that thrived in that area.

"So, remember, kids," Clyde concluded his tale of caution. "If you don't want to experience vivid hallucinations, right is left, and wrong is wrong-wait a minute, that's not right..."

Simulteaneously, Aversa tried in vain to get a cell signal. "Nope. Still nothing," she lamented, leaning up against a tree. She looked back and realized, to her astonishment, that she was touching a large clump of orange moss. "Just my luck," she groaned. "Well, I should probably get back to camp before the moss kicks in." Aversa proceeded to trudge away in the opposite direction.

...

Meanwhile, Perry snuck into the woods, stood up on his hind legs, took off his hat, pressed a few buttons, and held it up to his ear. (For the record, Platypi _do_ have ears. They just don't have pinna.) He heard squawking on the other end, chattered back, and in a few seconds, got unceremoniously grabbed by a large bald eagle. He was dropped down into a large nest, and the eagle donned a similar brown fedora. One of the eggs in the nest cracked open to reveal a video screen, upon which Major Basilio appeared.

"Good morning, Agent P," he said gruffly. "We've been monitoring Dr. Riffrat, and he's left his summer retreat for Spleen Island, in the middle of Badbeard Lake. We suspect that he's setting up a backup lair inside the Haunted Cave of the Sea Hag." Perry gave him a quizzical look. "i promise, I'm not making any of this up!" he added.

"I can attest to that," supported Ricken.

"I don't think Agent P needs attestment, Ricken. Anyway, go get to the bottom of this, Agent!" Perry saluted and paraglided away. Meanwhile, Aversa saw the whole thing.

"Perry wearing a fedora? A little man inside an egg?" she said incredulously. "Yup, the moss in definitely doing its work. Wait a minute," she interjected, realization dawned on her. "how did I get up here?" She proceeded to fall out of the tree.

...

 **Author's Note:** Man, they just keep on coming! I've been feeling sick recently, but I've recovered enough to finish off this chapter. Feedback is appreciated, as a always!


	20. A Pirate With A Plan

Disclaimer: I don't own Fire Emblem, Phineas and Ferb, Bad Piggies, the Ipad, the Declaration of Independence, the guys who make Kleenex...

...

After she fell out of the tree, Aversa stumbled her way to a nearby dock, where she saw Agent P drive away on his wetski.

"A _wetski?_ " she exclaimed. "Man, how strange can it get?"

"Oh, it gets much stranger... _Kevin,_ " said an anthropomorphic zebra in a rocking chair.

"...I'm sorry, where did you come from?" Before Aversa could get an answer, Perry's vehicle discourteously pulled her away via a rope that had happened to wrap around her foot.

"Well, this is a predicament," she noted, a good deal calmer than she usually would have been while moving at high speeds and skimming across the water.

...

In a few minutes time, Grandpa Clyde and his group arrived at the lake. Along the way, Vaike and Henry had picked up sticks, and were now having a duel with them.

"Aha! Take that, you scurvy dog!" cried the latter.

"Oh yeah?" came the rebuttal from his opponent. "Well, joke's on you, 'cuz I don't even know what scurvy is!"

"It's a disease resulting from an insufficient level of Vitamin C in the body," Miriel, the ever-flowing fountain of esoteric knowledge, informed him. "It was especially common on longer sea voyages prior to the early 1800s, as fruits and vegetable were difficult to preserve in those days. Symptoms include bleeding gums, sores and scabs..."

Vaike turned a pale green and excused himself. He returned to the group looking no less pale, but significantly more relieved. "Just a heads up," he warned. "Nobody swim in the lake for a while."

Swiftly changing the subject, James turned to his "secret" crush. "So, Nowi, you said you had an idea for our daily project on the way here. What did you have in mind?"

"Well, all this talk about Badbeard got me thinking: how cool would it be to search for his treasure? We could make a pirate boat, wear pirate costumes, sail to Spleen Island, and see if we can find his loot!"

"Exactly what I had in mind!"

"You do realize that the probability of _actually_ unearthing Badbeard's alleged cache of plunder is outstandingly low, correct?" Miriel sought to affirm.

"We're doing this this for the fun, not to get rich," Chrom explained. "Even if we don't find anything, the experience is the real treasure."

"I mean, if we do find loot, we're taking it, right, guys?" James shrugged at Henry.

Clyde chuckled a little. "Rather ambitious of you kids. You know, when I was about your age, I'd search for Badbeard's treasure every summer I came down here. That is, until I discovered girls..." he said wistfully. "The point is, I never did find that treasure. But I did find a treasure _map!_ " He pulled it out for all to see and "ooh" at and handed it to his grandson. "But be warned!" he added. "It is said that those who disturb Badbeard's loot will be cursed with bad beards for the rest of your lives!"

"Even the girls?" asked a shocked James.

"Even the girls. Anyway, you kids better get started! I'll be trying to find Grandma Betty. Better get out the map..." Clyde pulled out a flowchart entitled "Where My Wife Could Be" and strolled off reading it.

...

Meanwhile, as she splashed violently against the lakewater, Aversa hallucinated a game show.

 _"Now, please describe the game you are playing-Bad Piggies! By Rovio! (I'm getting paid for this)-in four words or less," the host demanded._

 _The contestant though hard and replied, "It's Angry Birds parody."_

 _"...You know, for someone who plays on an iPad, you'd think he'd know more." The camerawoman proceeded to throw a stuffed bat at him._

"Man, who comes up with this stuff?"

...

In about half an hour, James and his pirate crew had gotten their costumes, built their boat (christened the _Bloody Sunday_ , as per Henry's request), and unfolded the map. He took a stick from the ground to use as a pointer and cleared his throat.

"All right, people, this is how we're going to get to Spleen Island. First!" he yelled, whacking a spot on the map with his stick. "We set sail from Point Plots, two yards away, where we built the boat. Then, we'll maneuver through the...Stones of Gall. Apparently, they're prone to crashing against each other thanks to underwater currents. Keeping this in mind, I decided we needed to take precautions. Henry, did you get the bird?"

"Yupper doodles! I couldn't find a dove, so we'll have to settle for a raven."

"...That'll do, Henry. That'll do. Our penultimate challenge will be navigating into the...Cove...of...Incontinence-OK, who is coming up with these names?" James sighed and shook his head. "Well, that doesn't matter right now. For the present: on to the ship!"

Everybody cheered "AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!"

...

Just then, Agent P and Aversa finally arrived at the Cave of the Haunted Sea Hag. The former parked his wet-ski, hopped off it, and entered a tunnel, while the latter flopped into the water. After some walking, he found a door, knocked on it, waited for a few seconds, and turned to face his nemesis when he opened the it (I've really been going overboard on the commas today, haven't I?)

"Are you the cable guy?" Riffrat asked. "You're a little shorter than I expected." Agent P rolled his eyes and replaced the safety helmet he was wearing with his signature fedora.

"Oh, _Perry the Drakopus!_ That explains it. Come inside," he invited. His nemesis shrugged and joined him in his new hideout, which was littered with half-empty cardboard boxes.

"Sorry about the mess You see," he explained. "I'm actually moving! Well, sort of. You remember how I have my vacation home? This is my vacation _lair._ It's where I do my evil schemes when I'm taking a break from the big city. You know, hypothetically. Nothing malicious going on here!...Nothing at all."

Perry pointed wordlessly at a large, -inator-shaped object under a sheet.

"Oh, that? That's my...Coffee-Makerinator...yeah."

Agent P walked over to the object, pulled the sheet off, and pointed at its label, which clearly read "Zapperinator."

"...OK, fine. I admit it. It's a Zapperinator, but it _can_ also make coffee!" Grangrel added some grounds to the -inator, pressed a button, watched as it dropped a steel cage on Perry, waited three minutes, and grabbed his coffee.

"Man, that's some nice, strong joe!" he said, sipping his drink. "Oh, yeah, it can also trap drakopuses...drakopi? Drako...pusipipeople?"

His nemesis just rolled his eyes.

...


	21. The Greatest Pirate Story Ever Told

Disclaimer: May I present: today's disclaimer, in the form of the "galaxy brain meme."

Tiny Brain: PnF and FE aren't mine.

Normal Brain: Phineas and Ferb and Fire Emblem don't belong to me. They belong to their owners.

Mega Brain: I am not in legal possession of the TV show "Phineas and Ferb" or the game series "Fire Emblem"; they belong to Disney and Nintendo, respectively.

Galaxy Brain: No one owns anything because the world is just a gigantic roleplaying game where everything has gone horribly wrong.

(why did I decide to do this)

...

Soon after setting sail Spleen Island, James brought up the idea of engaging in a sufficiently pirate-y activity: singing sea shanties.

"I mean, if we're pirates, we need a pirate song, right?" he notioned.

"My thoughts exactly!" Henry agreed. "That's why I rewrote Grandpa Clyde's song about Badbeard!" He handed out sheet music, gave the crew some time to read it, set up a makeshift conductor's pavilion, got out a twig, and prepared to start the song.

"All right, everybody! One, two, three, four, begin!"

 _Arr arr arr arr_

 _This is the Ballad of Badbeard_

 _Arr arr arr arr arr_

 _This is the Ballad of Badbeard_

 _We're sailing west for the Isle o' Spleen!_ James sang, starting the first verse.

 _To search for the treasure of Badbeard!_

 _I'm feeling sick..._ declared Vaike, as he leaned over the side of the boat.

 _You're looking green,_ Nowi noted.

 _We'll search for the treasure of Badbeard_

Next, came the bridge, which began with Miriel singing, _We'll exemplify our professionalism_

 _Or else, we'll resort to cannibalism!_ added Henry, a good deal more cheerfully than he should have.

 _We'll sail 'cross Badbeard's lake and then_

 _Delve into his Pirate's Den!_

 _Arr arr arr arr_

 _This is the Ballad of Badbeard_

 _Arr arr arr arr_

 _This is the Ballad of Badbeard_

 _There's ghosts who haunt the cave and worse_ the crew sang in unison.

 _It's guarded by a pirate curse!_ the skull emblem above the captain's cabin added. Before they continued the song, everyone did a double take.

"Did that skull just...talk?" Vaike wondered aloud, visibly terrified.

"Nope! That was me," Henry explained. "I took after-school ventriloquy classes, remember?"

James got in a rowboat along with Nowi, Vaike, and Miriel, and the rest of the crew lowered it down to the water. As they sailed toward Spleen Island, the entire crew concluded the song with one last chorus.

 _Arr arr arr arr_

 _This is the Ballad of Badbeard!_

 _Arr arr arr arr_

 _This is the Ballad of Badbeard!_

...

In a few minutes, the away team (so to speak) arrived at the Tunnel of Doom.

"Are you sure this is the right place?" Tharja asked.

"Positive. Just look at the sign." James pointed at it, which clearly read "Tunnel of DOOM (No treasure here)"

"Well, if you say so." Soon after entering, the pirate entourage came to a dangerously narrow and rickety bridge.

"Is it..safe?" Chrom asked nervously.

"Possibly. I am willing to investigate it and determine whether it is of structural stability to our needing," volunteered Miriel. She went out to the bridge, examined it carefully, put one foot on it, examined it carefully again, slowly walked out to the middle, examined it carefully one last time, then delivered her judgement.

"It appears to be of a sufficient weight capacity to support us, provided no more than a single personage is present upon it simultaneously-" The second she finished her sentence, Vaike and Henry charged haphazardly onto the bridge, which promptly broke, and the three fell down into the water below.

"Hey, you said it would hold all of us!"

"No, I meant that it would hold us if we went on _one at a time._ "

"Then why didn't you say so?"

Miriel sighed. "Next time I need to communicate vital information, remind me to use a less sesquipedalian vocabulary."

Meanwhile, back at the metaphorical ranch, James and his crew discussed where to go now.

"Well, according to this map, we can exit the cave, go through this backup entryway, and meet up with the rest of our group, as long as they go down the left path of the river," Chrom pointed out. Nowi looked over the edge of the cliff to see their friends (and Henry) being carried right by the current.

"Well, looks like we'll have to jump," James judged, having joined his friend in her observations. He did so presently, and his crew, including a rather reluctant Chrom, followed. They were soon swept away...to the left.

"Oh, you've **got** to be kidding me!" Tharja lamented. After several minutes of water-treading, they arrived at a strip of land with a stairway leading up to a natural bridge. When the group scaled the stairs, they saw Henry on a bridge opposite to them, using some hand puppets.

"There you are! Are Miriel and Vaike OK?" Chrom inquired.

"Yup! They went on ahead, while I did this hilarious visual gag!"

"Visual gag?"

"Yeah, from here it looks like you guys are being chased by a monster, but it turns out it's just a puppet! Pretty funny, you?"

"Henry...this is a Fanfic," James explained. "As in, a text medium. There are no images for this scene-"

"Unless someone draws one," added Tharja.

"No one's going to want to _draw this_. Anyway, the joke falls through pretty badly."

"Oh. In that case, time to _say_ something funny! Two Monks and a Fighter walk into a bar. The Rogue makes his Dex Save."

Nobody reacted for a moment, but Nowi soon gave her opinion.

"That didn't really fit the context, but I have to admit: it was pretty funny."

After Henry thanked her, both groups went across the rest of their respective bridges and met up with each other on the other side of the chasm. After exchanging stories (neither of which were that interesting), the entourage continued to make their way into the cave, until they reached a dead end. Vaike was distraught, to say the least.

"Did we really get swept up by a river, dodge falling stalactites, and nearly get eaten by a pterodactyl for _nothing?_ " he lamented.

"Well, maybe the real treasure is friendship and the spirit of adventure!" Chrom proffered as an explanation.

"Or, you could simply turn around and see the large 'X' inscribed on the wall behind you, an archetypal pirate sign of hidden treasure," clarified Miriel.

"Oh. That makes a lot more sense."

After several minutes of examination, Nowi discovered an oddly colored rock, which created an opening in the x-marked wall upon being pressed. The team entered it to find an old wooden box with a broken lock.

"Do you think it's safe to open?" Tharja asked.

"What if we get cursed with bad beards? Forever!?" added Henry.

"Yeah, Henry's right! I mean, forever is a _really_ long time!" a child who you can probably discern the identity of said, putting in his two cents.

"Well, with my meager allowance, it's a risk I'll have to take," their captain declared decidedly. He slowly opened the chest and looked inside.

...

Meanwhile, Agent P's cage was hanging haphazardly over a pool full of crocodiles. By full, I mean that there were three of them.

"Now, Perry the Drakopus, I'd like you to meet my pet crocodiles!" Gangrel said evilly. "Their names are Susanna, Croc O. Dyllius IV, and Al. Look at them, so cute, so chompy!" He turned around and saw FinFace swimming in his bowl. "Well, I mean, you're still my favorite..." Dr. Riffrat, tried to explain, embarrassed. "...stop looking at me like that! You're making me feel guilty!"

As his nemesis was talking to a fish, Agent P breathed fire on the lower part of the cage until it seemed likely to fall off at a moment's notice. Before he could kick it down, Aversa came into the room covered in seaweed, and Gangrel pointed at her and gasped.

"The sea hag!"

"Oh, some sort of jester. I'm definitely hallucinating you."

"It's a _delusional_ sea hag!" The evil scientist grabbed FinFace, screamed, and ran away, while his nemesis took the opportunity to stomp on the bottom of his trap. The large metal cylinder thwonked one of the crocodiles in the head, and Perry leaped off it and landed gracefully next to the Zapperinator.

"And, Perry's still wearing his fedora. I can't wait for this moss to wear off. Maybe if I press this nonexistent button." She proceeded to do so, activating the island self-destruct sequence. Mentally panicking, the animal agent grabbed his owner's sister by the hand and practically dragged her back to his wetski, which he subsequently jumped onto and rode away on, with Aversa sitting behind him.

...

Several seconds earlier, James delivered his verdict on the alleged curse of Badbeard.

"Yup, it's true," he said nonchalantly. "We're stuck with bad beards forever."

The crew gasped in unison before he explained himself.

"The chest's full of bad fake beards!"

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, but reacted with mild confusion.

"Why did you say we were 'stuck with them forever?'" asked Chrom.

"Who else is going to want them?" Henry opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a loud rumble.

"Well, we may not get cursed with permanent bad beards, but we may be cursed with a falling cave ceiling!" Nowi yelled. "Everybody, run for it!"

After a lengthy escape sequence with no dialogue, James and his friends (and Henry and Tharja) managed to reach the rowboat, which they sailed back to their galleon. Simultaneously, Agent P ejected himself and Aversa onto said galleon, putting away his hat while in the air.

"Hey, where's Perry?" Vaike wondered as the animal agent landed on him. "Oh, there he is." Meanwhile, the captain's sister was starting to return to normal.

"Well...that was certainly an experience," she said dryly.

"Hey, now that the current and the wind are in our favor, we might be able to take that shortcut through the Stones of Gall!" James noticed as he examined the map. "Henry, do you have the second bird ready?" The white-haired child was silent for a moment, and then answered his captain.

"What second bird?"

The crew all heard him and descended into blind panic.

"What are we going to do?!"

"We lack a proper method to bypass the prospect of being contriturated by the rocks!"

"I have no idea what you said and I'm _still_ freaking out about it!"

"Everyone STOP PANICKING and GET TO THE LIFEBOATS!" Nowi roared. The crew and both passengers promptly obeyed and were forced to look on as the _Bloody Sunday_ was crushed by the stones. Nobody spoke for several minutes. Then, Aversa spoke up.

"So, now what? We're stranded in the middle of Badbeard Lake-"

"Actually, we're a quarter of the distance across the lake to the shore-"

"Whatever. My point is, now what do we do?" she challenged the purple-clad First Mate. "We have no way to get past these rocks and reach the camp!"

"On the contrary, these lifeboats are small enough to pass through some of the larger, non-clashing segments of the Stones of Gall," she explained. "All right, everybody, follow me!" The pirates followed her lead as she maneuvered her rowboat past the Stones and back to the shore.

"I think she's a better captain than you are," Chrom told his friend.

"I know; she's amazing, right?"

When the seven thieves of the sea (well, technically, it was a large lake) arrived at Badbeard Beach, Tharja had some choice words about their expedition.

"This was the biggest waste of time _ever!_ We've risked life and limb and spent two hours planning and preparing, all for some fake beards that Vaike decided to take back for whatever reason?"

"Hey, they're still treasure!" the blonde middle-schooler argued. "I do have to admit, they are kind of heavy..."

Henry thought for a moment and offered him some assistance. "Let me help you with those," he said, taking a beard from the pile in his crewmate's arms. He examined it briefly, and then rigorously shook it, dropping gold coins on the ground. Everyone was shocked.

"Of course!" Miriel exclaimed. "It all makes sense! He tried to trick potential treasure hunters into thinking that there was no real gold so that they'd leave!" You could tell she was excited, because the longest word she used had only three syllables.

"But how'd you know the gold was in the beards?"

"Simple. I know how criminals think."

Nobody responded to that seeing as nobody really wanted to know _why_ Henry knew how criminals thought. Eventually, James broke the silence.

"This was the best day EVER! So far, at least. We sailed the One Lake, traversed a pirate cave, survived a shipwreck, and came home with a deceptively lucrative bounty of beards and quite possibly the greatest pirate tale ever told!"

...

"That's quite possibly the best pirate tale ever told!" Grandpa Clyde said when he heard the story. "Not only is it full of adventure, it also has action, mystery, romance-"

"Well, calling it that is a bit of a stretch."

"Not only that, you actually managed to find Badbeard's treasure! I'm so proud of you all!"

Aversa groaned slightly. "Do you two not even realize the fact that they _built a full-sized galleon?_ "

"Well, stories can get exaggerated sometimes," Grandma Betty reasoned. "Still, that sure is something amazing you kids did!"

"Ah, thanks Grandma!" James said, grinning. He gave his friends a chance to speak by sitting down next to his sister.

"Seriously, it was an awesome adventure, and you got to be there for it! Well, part of it, anyway."

"Don't think I'm not going to tell Mom and Dad about the ship when they get back tomorrow."

"Fair enough, but it was conveniently destroyed by the Stones of Gall, remember? You won't have any evidence."

"Oh, will I? You're forgetting...your blueprints!" She pulled them out of her shirt pocket with a flourish.

"That's isn't very solid proof, but you never know...plus, I would like those back; you never know when you might want to build a galleon."

Aversa pthppped. "Like I'm just going to hand these over to you-"

"You get an even share of the treasure."

"...Fine." She handed over the blueprints and shook hands with her brother.

...

Meanwhile, Dr. Riffrat was floating in Lake Badbeard with an inner tube shoved over his head.

"I still don't know what happened...again."

...

 **Author's Note:** Don't worry, folks, I'm still active! I'm not really sure what postponed this chapter so much, but it's finished, it's posted, and it's probably my best work to date. Also, on the topic of writing quality...the first chapter is kind of terrible. Looking at the work statistics, I can see that the majority of readers don't read past the first chapter. I'm not really sure if I should rewrite it or not, so I'm leaving it up to you. Vote using the poll on my Profile to decided whether the first chapter goes or stays!


	22. They ALWAYS Show Up

Disclaimer: For today's disclaimer, I offer up a song.

 _1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9!_

 _There are ten things you need to know._

 _Number one!_

 _Of the many thing Gravity doesn't own._

 _PnF and FE stick out like a broken bone_

 _Number two!_

 _This song's a parody of Hamilton_

 _G.E. doesn't own that either; he made this on a whim._

 _Number three!_

 _This disclaimer's gettin' way too long._

 _Can we just go to the story, skip the rest of this song?!_

Fine by me.

...

The very next morning, James woke up bright and early to make a plan for the day.

"Yesterday was absolutely _amazing_ , so today has a tough act to follow," he said to no one in particular.

"Well, I just hope you do something large and obvious," Avera sighed as she walked up behind him. "Of course, I doubt that would help, since I'll likely just fail to bust you...just like every day so far this summer."

"Hey, at least you _know_ what you're going to do today."

...

Meanwhile, Validar and Clyde were sitting in the latter's cabin and talking.

"You know, in the antique business, there's a saying to describe this very situation."

"Really? What is it?"

"I have no idea. I have been told, however, that it means 'talking to your father while sitting inside his cabin.'"

"Well, that certainly is uncanny."

"Excuse me Grandpa Clyde, can I ask you something?" Chrom inquired, walking into to the room.

"What is it?"

"You see, James is at a total loss for what to do today, and I was hoping you could give us some ideas," he said.

"Hmm, let's see..." Clyde replied. "Well, there was the one time I built a balloon and won the greatest balloon race of all time."

"Really? Can you tell me about it?"

"Well, I went out to the barn, built a balloon, and won the Greatest Balloon Race of All Time!" No one spoke for a moment. "That's what it was called. It wasn't actually that impressive."

"Maybe not, but it does give me an idea! Thanks, Grandpa Clyde!" Chrom ran off to find James and explain his idea to him.

...

"A balloon race? That's...that's brilliant!" he said when he heard it. "We can use the materials Grandpa has in the barn to build them, and we can have teams, and specialized designs, and...other stuff!"

"I thought you would like it."

"Come on! Let's go to the barn-actually, no, you go borrow Grandma's record player, and that record with the scatty music. I'll go get Nowi, Vaike, and Miriel, and we can rendezvous at the barn."

"What about Henry and Tharja?"

"They'll just show up. They always show up...and if they don't: hey, bonus!"

"One more question. Have you seen Perry?"

...

James may not have seen Perry, but a seemingly unassuming chicken did as he walked on all fours up to a chicken coop. After jumping onto his hind legs, he donned the signature OWASOCA fedora, and his fowl friend did the same. The coop's door flew open, and the two animal agents slid down a secret passageway within it to reach the latter's hideout.

"Morning, Agent C," said a woman whom Perry was not familiar with through a veiwscreen. "You're Agent P, from Major Basilio's division, right?" The drakopus nodded. "Well, I'm Major Flavia, pleasure to meet you, but that's all the time we have for pleasantries today. Your nemesis, Dr. Riffrat, has been buying a surplus of eggs, likely causing the current shortage. Don't ask me how he managed to drain the market out overnight. Your mission, Agent P, is to find out what he's up to and stop him; Agent C, your mission is to get laying." Both saluted and began following orders.

...

Meanwhile, Aversa was looking on in boredom as Lyria and Grandma Betty made lemonade.

"Hold on, you're about to put in a big spoonful of salt into that pitcher," the latter warned.

"Oops! My mistake. Now, _this_ must be the sugar."

"No, that's the baking soda."

"Ah. Is this it?"

"...That's the flour."

"Sorry, Betty; I just can't see a thing without my contacts."

"Don't apologize for losing them! It was an honest mistake. Here, you can borrow my spare glasses."

She donned the eyewear to find everything to be a different sort of blurry.

"Hmm...you're nearsighted, right?"

"Yes, how'd you know?"

"I figured. You see, I'm farsighted, so these glasses aren't really helping. Still, it's better than nothing."

Aversa sighed and buried her face into the table.

"I just wish something would _happen,_ " she lamented. As if in response, a gray-haired, middle-aged woman walked through the door.

"Hey, Betty!"

"Glenda! It's been quite a while!"

"Hello, there. I don't believe we've met," Lyra said as she shook her hand.

"Like I said, this is Glenda. The first woman conductor in the Tri-State area."

"Sadly, Ol' Jenny's being decommissioned tomorrow. Of course, I want my career to go out on a high note, so I'm taking her up Gearheart Summit today!"

"Really?!" Betty gasped. "But...it's so steep! Nobody's ever been able to take a train up it!"

"One has to wonder why they even put tracks leading up it."

"It was so people could get to the gift shop," Glenda explained. "Anyway, I'm not about to give up on this. I'm not the kind of person who gives up! I had to, unless I wanted to give my dream of being a conductor. Everyone told me to give up, but I told them 'I'll never give up! I'm not the kind of person who gives up!'"

As she gave her inspirational speech, Aversa was inspired by it...though not in a way she intended.

 _Wait...give up? Maybe my life would be a lot better if I gave up on busting them...it always seems to fail, and I just get more and more frustrated every time it does...of course! Giving up_ is _the most reasonable course of action! Thanks, "they"!_

 _..._

As his sister made the decision to give up on busting him, James worked with his friends on arguably their most bustable project yet.

"All right, let's run down the balloon designs," he said, pointer in hand. "The balloon shaped like my head will be maneuvered by Chrom and I. The one shaped like a book will be run by Miriel and Vaike. Nowi, being the only one with actual balloon-using experience-"

"Hold on," interrupted Miriel. "You've piloted a hot-air balloon before?"

"At Fireside Girl Camp. I have the badge to prove it, too!"

"And finally, we have this...skull balloon..." He looked over to see Henry and Tharja standing by their design. "...I told you they'd show up."

...

 **Author's Note:** I'm not dead yet, folks! I've been working on this chapter for a while, now, and you are now welcome to view the fruits of my labor.


End file.
